A Lack of Color

12:41 am

Listening to: "A Lack of Color" by Death Cab for Cutie (on repeat)

I finally broke down & bought this song off of Amazon. It’s not helping my mood right now.. but is somehow making me less lonely.

"When I see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up & turns you around"

I’m writing this & should really, really be writing in my memories journal. I still haven’t written a word in there. Funny, b/c the idea was exciting to me, until I bought the comp book & sat down, pen in hand, to write in it. I just ended up staring off into space for an hour. Finally, I closed it & haven’t touched it since, except to write "Memories Journal" on the subject line on the front.

Maybe I’m just not ready yet. Maybe it was a bad idea.. maybe I’ll never be ready to put all that stuff down on paper.

I can’t stand Cindy. She’s a fellow manager. I had to work w/her today, & of course she was there when I got there this morning. Right away she was bitching at me "Can’t you put your drinks in order?" "What’s your problem w/putting stuff in meals today?" At one point I told Michelle, the AM manager, that I was going to punch Cindy in the face. She said, "Please don’t. I don’t want to see you get fired." She just kept on like that until she finally left at 2. I know I shouldn’t let people like this get to me but sometimes, I let my guard down & they do.

The last half of my shift was good. I spent it (other than working, of course) joking around w/Mike, Stacy, & Shawna. Michelle was acting nutty all afternoon. That got me smiling. She kept singing, what she called "short people songs". Stuff like the Oompa Loompa (or however you spell it) song & "The Lollipop Guild". I love people’s ability to just let loose like that & not care what a dork they’re being.

Brian’s had a tougher time than usual lately. He kept talking about being suicidal last night. It scared me. He’s 50 miles away & if he were to just say, "Goodbye. I’ve had it." There would be little I could do, other than dial 911. It would take me nearly an hour to get there, provided I wouldn’t have to gas up my car first. I do feel grateful that he talks to me about all this stuff. I like it when he calls me his "lil sis" & says, "of course I want to talk to you!" He & I have always been like that. If one is in trouble, the other is always there to lend a hand. I know that most people aren’t so lucky to have someone like this in their lives, let alone a sibling.

Reading old OD entries, old notes left by Leo. I feel like crying a bit. I push it away though, b/c if I start it will be a while before I stop. I suck at accepting things. I really do. Next to dancing & mini golfing, it’s the thing I’m the worst at. Some part of me just won’t let go of the idea that he is still that person. I guess it’s sort of a habit. Life has been hard, & refusing to accept certain things has saved me many times. It’s also saved a lot of friendships.

Alicia– thanks for the note. Go ahead & laugh your fucking ass off at me but, want to go see Eclipse at the cheap theater? I’m halfway interested in seeing it (esp if it’s only $3) & you’re the only person that would go w/me. LOL I have Tuesday & Wednesday off. Also – don’t thank me for hanging out w/you on your b-day. I’m your best friend & that’s what best friends do. Yes, the Extreme Makeover thing sucked but it really is a beautiful house.

You may have noticed.. this od has gone back to public.. for now. If the notes continue, it will go back to Friends Only.

Peace.