Unraveling

9:30am

Listening to Sevendust.

I’m loving the new Sevendust, particularly "Unraveling". It’s always good to hear Lajon’s voice. I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll stop by hear so I can see them, yet again.

I just had to close the blinds.. the sunlight was blinding me. My head hasn’t touched the pillow yet. I talk to Lee until 3am, been talking to my brother for hours now about various things. I’ve been listening to various music since midnight or so. Silence is going to seem very odd later. My brother has been supplying me w/more music. On account of my financial situation, i’ve been confined to listening to anything new on YouTube & only on YouTube. Early this morning I broke down & listened to all the Cold I owned. I miss that band, terribly.

I don’t think I’m going to sleep at all. My brain is asleep, but my mind & body are wide awake. I feel like I have too much to think about, I don’t have time to waste sleeping. Analyzing conversations, thoughts, memories, hopes. I’m still working on my Buddhism thing. I think I feel a lot clearer about it than I did last week. I’ve been reading a lot about it (while I haven’t been working) & been reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer for the second time.

Shaun & I are in two completely different worlds. I see that now. We’re in the same room but so far as I’m concerned, we’re 1,000 miles apart. I look at him & just feel bad. I feel bad about the whole thing, but no good comes w/o sacrifice. I just hope I have the strength to keep up the facade.

Lee is in complete disagreement about my decision to stay w/Shaun, despite my complete lack of feelings. He thinks it’s unfair to all involved. But he doesn’t understand. How can I talk about doing something, have the person it concerns tell me they’ll never speak to me again if I go through w/it, & still do it? It will hurt him. I’m tired of hurting people & being hurt. I’m just sick of all this unnecessary pain people inflict on others. I need some peace… even if I’m not at peace w/my choice & still in the process of accepting the fallout of my decision. It’s for the best, for him.

Other than that, things have been here & there. Working too much, not getting nearly enough for all the long hours I put in. I vow to find cash for a 30 Seconds to Mars ticket. I haven’t been to a show in a really, really long time. I need to go, stand in a mass of strangers & let the music wash over me. It’s been far too long.

My brother will most likely be coming into town for the concert. Wonderful, considering the last time I saw him was for an hour or two back in the fall of 2009. I miss him. Sometimes I want to beg him to move back but I know it’d just be a waste of time & make him feel bad.

Deleted a bunch of people off of my friends list on Facebook that I don’t care about. I came to realize that there are only 4 people (nearly 5) that know the real me. 4 out of 48 friend.. Sorry, I’m yammering. Just felt… like I needed to write in here. I’ve been journaling too much lately. I’ve been dealing solely w/my thoughts & none of my emotions.