Fear & Confusion Spin my Brain

Sunday, 3:08 am
Listening to: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses, "Fade into You" by Mazzy Star

My mind is spinning from all the thoughts going through my head.

For some reason, cupping my head in my hands & listening to this song is calming me a little.

I wish I could sort all these thoughts out somehow. I certainly won’t write about them here. I’m having enough difficulty wrapping my head around the reality of things. Being that I’m a pretty private person when it comes to my feelings, the last thing I will do is write them in here. Not so much that I fear who will read them.. I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it to so many people.

I’m also hesitant b/c I find it odd that someone left me that anonymous note & it didn’t wind up being from anyone that I’m aware reads this thing. Makes me want to disclose fewer things.

This whole thing is stressing me out & making me chain smoke. *goes to have the second cigarette in the process of writing this entry*

I’m welcoming the idea that I have another 6 days straight of work. Getting up the energy to run my ass off for 8 to 9 hours at a time takes a lot of work but once I get going, it’s not too hard. I’m welcoming the distraction from things. It seems that when I’m at work, most thoughts of my personal life fade & I’m more focused at the task at hand. I guess hemping does the same thing for me.

I bit the inside of my lip at work somehow. I don’t even remember doing it.. just suddenly having the taste of blood in my mouth. Had a good time closing w/DJ & Bob. We joked around & laughed a lot. The night went by pretty fast.

Anthony tripped me out last night. After writing the previous entry, I went down to his place to give Justin his necklace. I felt weird just dropping it off so I stayed for a little bit. Anthony kept talking to me.. I don’t think he remembers any of last night. Finally, I said I was tired & going to go upstairs & chill. As I started heading out the door, Anthony said "See ya, Bridget. Thanks for gracing us w/your presence for a while." That really tripped me out. Not in a good way, either. I’m not sure what he meant by it. I get the feeling that he was mad at me & calling me a snob. I couldn’t think of anything to say back other than, "have a good night".

Well.. it’s now 3:57am.. can’t believe my thoughts are messing w/me so bad that it took me nearly an hour to write an entry this short. I think I’ll go take something to lull me off to sleep & read while I wait for it to take effect.

Seems like sleep never comes easy anymore.

Peace.