The Truth Rears It’s Ugly Head

Tuesday, 12:16am
Listening to: "The Bitter End" by Placebo

It’s easy to live in the dark. Light is overrated. A slight illumination is all you need. The sun is a horrid reminder of all the things I’ll never be. It shows me too much of everything I never wanted to see.

I just finished watching Revolutionary Road. I hate Frank, he got what he deserved. If you don’t take care of the things you have, then you don’t deserve to have them. I felt like a soul mate to April. I knew what she was going to do 30 minutes before she did it. That scene where she was sitting on that table staring off into nothing, dragging heavy on her cigarette & sipping her drink while everyone else around her laughed, I’ve been there so many times.

It was an annoying reminder that we can all be bought & sold. Those of us that can’t, go to extremes that usually end us. I felt irritated throughout the entire movie.. yet intrigued so that I couldn’t stop watching it.

I’ve come to the realization that I hate everyone. Yes, everyone. Even if I love someone, I hate them. I’m tired of trying to convince people that there’s an upside to things when I don’t believe it myself. I hate pretending that I like everyone equally. If you’re doing something stupid & I’m looking at you, I’m usually thinking bad things about you. Fuck that. No matter what, I’m probably thinking bad things about you. This makes me a bitch, I suppose. But not really.. b/c I hate myself too. I think everything I do & say is just another stupid, pathetic thing in a long myriad of stupid, pathetic things. I hate everyone, but I’ll always hate myself more than anyone else.

"You are NOT special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
– Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club