Honesty is such a lonely word…

Secrets and lies. Well…..OK…..ummm……I tell lies. I withhold the truth. Starting with myself. I’ve lied to myself most of my life. And if you lie to yourself it’s that much easier to lie to everyone else. My parents are not exactly role models of honesty. Dad did everything he could to get around the law in his small business. But they are who they are and nothing is going to change that. The only thing that I can change is me. And I’ve been doing that for a long time now. I’ve come a long way. It’s all part of the process that is “me”. I am trying not to perpetuate the legacy of dishonesty. I always tell my kids to tell the truth. I always try to be honest with them. Try. I’m not perfect.

Some of the secrets – or lack of honesty – have come from assumptions made. I made assumptions about H a long time ago. I assume that I am 1 of only a very few women he has ever had sex with. I still don’t know the answer to that. I on the other hand had sex with almost anyone that would have me in college and beyond. I did not trust that H would accept me if he knew this about me. I was painfully insecure. Alcohol was a powerful balm to my frightened mind and body. I am extremely fortunate to have come out that time physically unscathed for the most part. I still look back at times at how the dishonesty I had with myself led to the promiscuous behavior. I denied that I was unhappy, that I was depressed, that I was afraid. Denial can be so corrosive to the soul. It strips you of who you are at your very core. And Denial’s fraternal twin Regret is just as toxic. Regret is rattling around in my noggin right now. Telling me that if I had just not listened to Denial back then things would be different. But you know what? I wouldn’t want things any different. So Regret and Denial – you can go just back to the black holes from whence you came and fester.

H does not know about OD specifically. He knows I keep a journal. He is not aware that I pay for it but nor has he asked. He has not asked if I write about him or the kids. I think he respects that we all need a place to vent. If he read my journals he certainly would have a lot to be upset about. Will I ever reveal to him that I had an affair? Probably not. If he were to ask me point blank out of the blue – I don’t know what I’d do. I think I would tell him the truth. It would be awful for a while but in the end it would be the right thing to do whatever the outcome. I love him more than I ever have. I have grown in love with him. I loved him on a certain level 20 years ago. It has evolved ever since. I believe that is the case with most marriages. It’s nice to see your partner with different eyes as you pass the years together. It’s nice to be able to see how far you have come. The storms you weathered together. And how much stronger we are because of them. We still have a long road ahead of us – if that is the grand plan for us. I am confident that it will be a happy one. 😊