my family, my life continued

its a cold snowy saturday. i have chicken soup cooking in the crock pot and candles burning so the house smells good. so right now i seem to feel pretty good and pleased with myself. i have gotten a lot of responses to my entry “my childhood, my life”. the support and the kind words touched my heart. and i have read some of the others peoples stories and what they have gone through and it has really touched me to read what some of them have been through. Some of them made me cry.

there were lots of questions in regards to my dads role in all of what happened. i strongly believe that my dad has been a victim of my moms wrath as much as i have. i saw the fights.. well my mom was the one doing all of the yelling while my poor father cowered in his chair. my dad is a firm believer in commitment. he never would have left my mom. he tries to find ways to ignore her and her bullshit. he would always bury himself in some wood working project out in the barn to try to be around her as little as possible. when i asked my dad why he stuck around it was always the same answer “i loved her.” i never saw my dad stand up to my mom. if he did then i was never around. mom used to throw things at dad is she asked him a question and he didnt give her an answer. my sisters and i used to hide upstairs when it would start because we were scared of her. sometimes she would start drinking heavily. she never drank on a daily basis but she got nasty when she would drink. then it seemed like nothing anyone ever did was good enough. mom always complained that dad was never home enough but if he didn’t work the two jobs there wouldnt be enough money. so i think my dad was ans is still a victim just as much as i am.i’m not to sure what my sisters thoughts are about it all. I know that amanda managed to put most of it behind her when she got married and moved out. but amanda wasn’t kicked out. the twins tro to obey mom because they have nowhere else to go. i’m sure if something happened to them and they needed a place to go mandy or myself would open our homes to them. as long as they continue to live with mom they are going to be victims as well. they cant afford to move out on there own. i feel bad for them. i have told them that htye have a place to stay if they ever need it. it would be tight here with 4 people but we could manage if they ever have enough and chose to leave home.

forgiving my mom is something that i have often thought about. and i have tried to forgive her for all that she has done. everytime i have tried she tells me that she needs to forgive me not the otherway around. i put her through hell for 24 years.she often tells me she wishes she never had me. her life would have been less stressful if she never had me because i was the only one out of the four of us who ever seemed to give her the most trouble. everytime i had tried to say something to her she always twisted it around to ft her needs. always made me out to be the blacksheep of the family. apparently whatever my mom says is set in stone. mom had gone around telling everyone how awful i have become. certain relatives of mine will no longer talk to me. i think thats a very shitty thing my mom has done. it cant be undone because the damage in done. i’ve had to deal with the fact my mom wrecked the relationship i had with my aunt. mom has done some hefty damage to my life and i have tried to deal with it. and it makes forgiving her very hard. i know that i will have to do it. i’m sure there wont ever be a good time to do it. i need to face it and just get it over with so that i could move on.

my relationship with matts family is odd. i get along with his parents ok. his dad is a heavy drinker. they let me live there as long as i needed which was until matt and i moved out last march. there were alot of problems there. i try not to spend time alone with his dad. there was a night when it was just me and his dad in the house alone. his dad had been drinking heavily that night. i walked out into the kitchen to get some water and his dad attacked me. i had to beat his drunken father off of me. i wasnt raped but i may as well have been. i had called matt and told him i wanted him to come home. i told him what happened and he nearly beat his father to death and told him to never touch me again. after that i tried not to be alone with him when he was drinking. if i had to be i stayed locked in the bedroom. we never told matts mom about it.lo and kathy had been having problems as it was and matt didn’t want to add this to the mix. matt threatened his dad and told him if he ever fucked up in any way this was coming out in the open. whenever there is a problem matts dad sides with him on everything now.i get along ok for the most part with his mom. havent been so much as of late because of the unfair treatment that matt has been given. his parents treat steph like a princess and give her whatever she wants. anything they do for matt they expect him to pay back. august of 07 steph moves back home and brings her lazy dumbass of a boyfriend with her so there were 6 of us living in a small house. there was a lot of fighting going on between me and steph because her and her boyfriend were being very rude and disrespectful of me and matt and i wasnt liking it very much. i let them know i wasn’t happy. matt and i spent 6 months looking for apartments with a realitor. his parents were a bit annoyed when we came home one night and said we signed a lease. they were not understanding that steph was the reason we were moving out sooner then we had planned to. we couldnt take stephs shit and rudeness anymore. a month and a half later we moved out and there is still shit going on. i know that it will always be that way. if anyone wants more info on steph read my entry titled “lies lies lies”. that should give you an idea of what shes like. aside from the going bald and having really bad body odor because shes diabetic and refuses to admit it.

bascially i am going from one fucked up family to another. i am trying to deal with it the best that i can. and its not easy. i like to say it how it is. his family hates that i will give it right to steph.someone needs to give the bitch a wake up call. things have gotten a bit better the last year since we moved but its not been easy. i know its not going to be easy. matt tries his best to help me. alot of the time he isn’t sure how to help me cope. he shuts everything out because he has trained himself to do it with his work.thats how he gets through his work days. it really sucks that he has to live like that. sometimes he doesn’t realize that he is shutting me out to. we have been trying to work things out and trying to do some things together like have a movie night together one night a week. we try to sit down one night and have long discussions about whats been going on. it kills him to have to sit and talk for so long but i think hes starting to get used to it. if we dont try some of these things now then i am afraid of what is going to happen in a few months or a few years.

i know matt has been affected by everything that has gone on by both families. me and him have been talking alot lately about our future and what we want out of life. he feels he needs to prove himself to his mom for some reason. he wont tell me why but just keeps saying that he needs to prove himself to her. hes always been considered the financially responsible one in the fami

ly. we have been heavily looking at booking the vegas wedding for the first full week of october. therefore it would be a few days after my 25th birthday. nice birthday present. we gotta get things rolling because i’m not sure when the firefighters convention is in wildwood this year. i would like mandy and joel to fly out with us. i would like my sister to stand up with me when we get married. shall see how that goes. at least i have a good relationship with her and joel. that makes me feel better. once we get things booked then i have to decide if i want to order a dress or try to find something quick. if i am going to get a dress then i want mandy to go dress shopping with me. i have an idea of what i want.