fingers crossed

I had started to write an entry here, this is what I had so far:

new pass time writing and deleting unsent text messages along with writing and deleting posts here there and everywhere.  What’s there to say but the things I can’t say, won’t say, don’t want to say. 

Yesterday I had weird vision issues in my left eye and eventually ended up going to the ER and was then refered to a clinic at the hospital today, my eye seems to be ok thank goodness but I am still seriously dilated on the left side.  I got back in 2 months for another check.

The phone rang just after I got home, the children’s hospital neurological clinic has a cancellation, can we come in tomorrow morning?  Why yes we can.

So here I sit on pins and needles.  This feels like a last ditch hope, everything and nothing riding on this appointment, will the doc just blow us off like so many others, will he just want to look at the MRI and not want to hear about anything else?  I am grasping for straws.  I don’t so much want to fix or label my dd but I am looking for some help for a transition from a childhood of delays and quirkiness all of unknown origins to an adulthood of uncertainty where she will at least for an untold number of years to come need extra help and protection on a daily basis, a road map or a guidebook maybe just even.

My dh tells me that he plans to live past 80 and to be still fencing then too.  For somebody with severe chronic asthma and coronary artery disease, he is not so much an optimist as a determined survivor.

Me, some days I am amazed that I have more than a half century under my belt already and wonder how many more years I will see on this planet in this lifetime.

And in the meantime I knit, it is concrete, grounding and sometimes predictable.  I knit in the ER yesterday and at the clinic this afternoon.  I will likely knit too tomorrow in the waiting room at my third hospital in as many days.

No, I haven’t mastered socks yet this year but I did finish the blanket for ds and I am knitting with the eyeball yarn:)