Voices

why do we all struggle to find a voice on the other side of 20, now..? were we petty or did we just feel so much that we are now afraid to because this responsibility feels so good..or is so binding..?

in exploration, i feel like the things i obsessed over were petty, but the passion was brilliant. what inspires that burning passion, that heated abandon as an adult with rent, student loans, and a demoralizing 9-5 paying less than waiting tables did..?

maybe the passion looks entirely different now than it used to..it takes discipline where leisure and angst used to get the job done.

i hate where i am professionally. i graduated and realized that i, in fact, DON’T want to work behind soundboards and video cameras, so 4 years and $xx,xxx later, what now..? the reinvention has been tough, a constant fear of losing relevance in a recession where i’m only barely qualified to do what i want to, a feat that would have been difficult, still, 5 years ago.

i am rotting away in a 9-5 that is a sinking ship and it takes all of my energy to stay positive and keep searching for my relevance in the face of standing on my own, without a structured system of grades and reports to let me know how i’m doing and if i’ll be okay at the end of the semester or not.

and i wish i could still find it in me to draw.

and marriage is hard, it turns out. the two most wonderfully compatible human beings i had envisioned, even, end up being deep wells with assumptions and smoke screens and insecurities that can threaten to tear everything down. i love him more than ever, but i am glaringly aware of my fragility and how hard i must work to not abandon myself to becoming a wraith in darkness, alone with her own failures and without a deep-rooted sense of worth.

or maybe, the reason we no longer write is because seeing truths like this on paper or pixels is truly terrifying, because it is our responsibility, now, to make sure everything turns out okay. the stakes grow each day and there is no one above us to blame if things do not go as planned.

i again feel His hope around me, as if the search of the last three years is starting to come to fruition. what, indeed, is so bad about the world that we need to be “saved” from it..?

an old adage goes “wherever you go, there you are.”

it seems that it is ourselves from which we must be saved. people will come and go, cause and affect, make and break, but the one thing you are always left with is yourself, full of twisted emotions that build labyrinths in your mind, greater and more complex than they ever were when we were teenagers, enhanced by necessity and obligation and survivalism further obstructing the jewels we had within ourselves.

hell would truly be being turned over to myself for all eternity, to let the confusion run free without a reference point to come back to that will stabilize the shaking frame. and that is indeed what the Bible teaches the worst punishment for man is.

maybe passion, now, is derived from and for hard work toward finding truly good things and no longer being a slave to turbulent emotions? stepping up and taking responsibility for how we feel and react and keeping it burning by channeling it into things that are productive..?

still musing.

all my love::let’s be free