praise.

and maybe for a second…just for one second…you could feel less alone.

i don’t even know what i’m saying, anymore. how x parent thinks i’m incapable, maybe i’m lazy…prattle on about just…

you know what, i’m sorry. because truth be told, i’m okay.

…i’m okay.

really, truly, functionally okay. i made it through alone, i’m making it through surrounded by people, i can make it through whatever and i’m not saying that out of arrogance. i just will, it’s a fact.

but see, i know i’m useless in and of myself, a fumbling teenager, this time imperfect, and i will never be more.

but you know what.

…that’s okay, too.

it is.

so i’m tired of giving these laments to you. i know my lot inasfar as…i know it’ll all work out somehow, eventually, and…it was a misguided attempt to crash into you.

…still casting lines. fishing. but you’ve taught me the bizarre concept of…more or less…presenting an offering rather than expecting a bite.

i don’t want to reel you in, i just want you to know.

…but really. know what…? i don’t dwell on those things. i’ve never done things to get approval. the easiest way always won, regardless of whom it pleased or displeased. second to that became my own satisfaction.

i’m actually working structurally backwards from you.

…but as we’ve established, our sources were motivationally identical.

just…

know.

i’m out here. and i’m fighting more than you can know, now.

we’ve felt it before…the same night, same time, that small gift of peace in just knowing there’s someone else out there, doing this, thinking this, fighting this, never even mind they’d give their limbs and extremities to let you know they care personally about you. just the detached fact of…they’re out there… was enough.

enough.

it really was.

and we’re still moving. still going. how…?

how are we still doing this? will we continue to…? we’ve seen so many fall…so many that seemed so sure…

i don’t really know. but i have seen myself continue, before.

be diligent…lest you fall away.

the nature of faith is a hard one to grapple with. it’s…simply not me. it’s not in me, i can’t do it. i could never make up my mind to deal with stuff that plunges as deep as some of these questions if something outside of me didn’t intercede. there’s no way. if there was no God, i would honestly have to shoot myself, a true nihilist, because…what…else could you do…? if you were truly honest…

as paul told me today in the third fold of my “interview,”…”you don’t deal with customer service problems. i don’t care how much you’re making, you’re still not making enough.”

you just aren’t. there’s not enough in human life to make the intensity of these battles worth it.

…you wouldn’t have made it even these few months without it. and it most certainly isn’t always pretty…but the packaging isn’t the point. the point is that, from a specific catalyst, your perseverance is compounded with the growth of your charater and a hope that will not be put to shame.

…a hope that will not be put to shame.

catalyzed…while we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for us! we were enemies, even you who naturally did so many “good” things for other people! you need grace, too! because you’re not paid enough to deal with life without hope, either! and thank GOODNESS there IS hope…otherwise i’d take you out with me. maybe we could make our dual death cinematic or something, come up with something really interesting, maybe even set up a camera to record it…but who would care?

that, too, would be meaningless.

always remember.

someone else is out there.

Someone with a capital S, your Lord God, Adonai, El Shaddai, Abba, Father, but even, by His own grace, someone with a much smaller s. an insignificant s in the face of His glory.

we do not have a High Priest that is unable to sympathize.

…and seven thousand still have not bowed their knee to baal.

Praise the Lord!