Le’ struggle.
To say I’ve been struggling most of my life is an understatement. Before I even came out of the womb, I was struggling. My mother had a high risk pregnancy, I was born too soon, underweight, unhealthy, born into a home that was the poster relationship for a domestic abuse campaign. I struggled with math. Lol. But who hasn’t?! ::Kanye shrug:: I struggled with self worth, self love, and self importance. I struggled in friendships and relationships. I struggled with my sexuality. I struggled with the fact that I let my cousin put his hand up my shirt and let him touch me. I’m 33 and I’m still struggling with the same fear I struggled with when I was a child. I struggle with the fear of being called a liar. It hasn’t. But I’m struggling with the possibility of it happening. I’m struggling with the fact that my younger cousin told me that the same cousin who abused me abused her. I’m struggling to hear the words leave her mouth like daggers to my heart because I remembered at that very moment. I remembered, him taking turns grinding and groping us. I struggle with the fact that my cousin was 5 and I was 9, and she said this is wrong, and I said shh, we can’t tell nobody. I’m struggled with the fact that he did this to us and I pushed it so far in my mind that I’m questioning myself, like, “did this really happen to me?@ I’m struggling because now we have girls of our own and all we want to do is scream it from the roof top that HE did this to us and now he has a niece of his own, and I’m struggling to find these words I can never take back and tell someone in our family that this happened. I’m struggling with the fact that his niece can be a victim and not even know it butim here writing on an online journal because I already know, that I’m his first victim. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m struggling to breathe because I feel like the life is getting sucked out of me and with every breath I take I lose my sanity. Today, I’m struggling.
I struggle too. I have schizophrenia and Tourettes syndrome, was a foster child that never got adopted. Life sucks sometimes. You need to find people that you trust and love like my sister Baby Blue Jay and just hold on for dear life. If you want to talk, I’m here.
@weebee thanks. I appreciate it. Sorry that happened to you. I’m trying. I see a therapist. It helps. But I feel this burden lately that’s just weighing heavy on me.
@itgoeswithoutsaying I’m here. 🙂 A new friend. Call me Sam. 😀
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It sounds like you are in a flashback state, due to the trauma you endured over an extended time.
I am not an expert on how to come back to this time, right now. But I can tell you this: I know and understand so terribly, intimately well what it feels like to be in a flashback state.
If you’re here bow, you have been before. You’ve stopped the spin and stepped off the ride before. What worked?
For me:
Self care. My self care may not be yours. I personally get stoned, eat really well and take a shower. It also means cleaning my environment, though that is hard.
Self care can also mean reaching out for help in the flesh realm. That can be hard too, but a trusted friend, who could maybe just come with awhile…
Anyway, I hear there is an inbox of sorts here. If you can find it, and you’d like to write me privately, you can.
@e3 thank you. I feel like I’m watching a movie on a fuzzy screen, and every so often the picture gets clearer. It’s like I’m torturing myself
@itgoeswithoutsaying – you aren’t guilty. The little girl you WERE isn’t guilty. She is still coping with a situation too confusing to understand and doing the very best job she knows how, today, to deal with it. That littlengirl is begging for forgiveness when she only did the best she could. No guilt, none. But forgive her anyway.
I promise you’re ok, and you WILL feel better. When is your next appointment?
@e3 my next appt is next week. I just keep thinking that had I something sooner, my cousin wouldn’t have gone through this. I was a kid and I was scared but I just feel like this heavy guilt. I’m trying to get through it. Yesterday was the first day that we got into serious detail in therapy. So I’m just trying to keep positive and keep talking myself off of the ledge. But thank you. I appreciate your words. Thank you for taking the time out to read and give advice.
@itgoeswithoutsaying – anytime, ok? I usually try not to be heavy handed with advice until it is requested. But my heart hurts for where you are. Feel free to write anytime.
You did the best you could with the severely limited toolset of a child. You’re gonna be fine.
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So sorry! I struggle with some of the same issues too don’t take on all ur struggles at once… battle one at a time
@kaliko I’m trying I really am!
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Sorry to read this You need to talk to someone about it. It won’t be your imagination.Sometimes things come to the suface years later.
@truthseeker1 I’m in therapy. But these feels resurfaced. 😩
@itgoeswithoutsaying Glad you are in therapy -this is probably why it resurfaced.I hope that goes well.
@truthseeker1 thanks
@itgoeswithoutsaying You are welcome Hope the therapist is the right fit It takes a long time to trust them I have had a few bad moments with mine but we have worked on it When I saw my GP the other day he asked how therapy was going I told him -better – I had walked out a couple of times but I’m learning to try and not to that but face the past with all its abuse.
@truthseeker1 I’m glad that you are things out in Therapy too. It’s definigely not easy to let everything out. Especially when you think someone is going to judge you. I’ve been with my therapist for over a year, she is awesome. We’ve spoken about the abuse before, but I never get into detail. Before at least. Now, it’s time. She’s asked harder questions this last time and I broke down harder than I ever have on her couch. It definitely helps, but.. it’s just so hard.
@itgoeswithoutsaying Therapy seems to have to be painful I guess it is. I have spent more time crying than talking with mine. Hang in there and it will get better.
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