Giz Me Affections Nao!

I’m just going to be as blunt as possible because there really is no delicate way to put this.

I"ve come to a point in my life to where I expect more, especially out of guys.  I know the kind of heartbreak they are capable of and I’m just not willing to go through it without some form of compensation.  I’m not really willing to go through it at all, but because I can’t ever know for sure what’s going to happen, I demand certain things…things that I’ll be able to look back at and say "that’s why it was worth it."  I’ve had that…to date.  But with this guy I’m dating now…I don’t have it. 

He’s affectionate enough to keep me around, but nowhere near as affectionate as previous boyfriends.  I haven’t had many.  I’m picky, obviously, and the few I have chosen have been extremely affectionate and that’s one of the things that drew me to them.  All except for Cody, he was a little above "affectionate enough", but what made him awesome was how weird and unique he was. 

Anyway, I’m tired of giving everything I have to every single guy I commit to.  Hell, I’m tired of committing to guys that don’t give me everything.  I’m tired of walls and games, trying to be a hardass when really, I can already see your whole strategy from a mile away.  Straight up…this guy is intimidated by me.  Physically and intellectually.  That’s fine.  I don’t care.  I’m flattered.  But the main thing that attracted me was pretty eyes, direct manner, and affection.  I’m okay with that.  But not if I ‘m not getting enough of the 3rd one.  That’s a biggie.  I’m an attention whore.  I’m not going to lie.  I’m an attention whore, not in the usual sense of the word, but I need someone to show off for, someone to spoil, someone to watch me, to witness…and if you can’t give me that…then there are guys that will.

That’s really all I have left.  Magic moments.  This issue goes much deeper, but I won’t delve into it here.  I’m trying to make it as simple as possible. 

I need affection.  I need attention.  At least to the level that I’m used to from past relationships.  Fuck.  Even Cody texted me more than this when we weren’t together physically.  And he’s a weird, distant, emotionally retarded motherfucker!

It wouldn’t be so bad if this hadn’t been covered already.  He says "I can’t read minds."  So I tell him today, since we aren’t spending the night together, "text me so that I don’t miss you so much."  Okay…well that was 3 hours ago.  I tell him I’ll be up for awhile playing video games.  No texts.  Nothing.  

So what insidious little plan weasels its way into my head?  Well, there’s 3 different guys right now that have been trying to date me for over half a year.  One of them I did actually date for a couple of days before getting back with Cody.  I can’t lie.  I’m tempted to call him and go hang out with him.  I’ve had an entire bottle of wine and I know that’s gonna be highly influential in whether or not I kiss him.  And yes, that would be cheating.  I know.  But fuck if I’m not tired of this shit.  I’m not sure I even want to be in a relationship anymore.  I’m tired of having to spell everything out, of doing all the fucking work, of bending for the other, molding to him.  

I guess I’m spoiled.  Sam spoiled me.  I know what it’s like to have someone give 100%, to bend for you, to be there for you no matter what, to make you feel like you’re the only girl in the whole world…why did it end?  He wasn’t intelligent or open-minded enough and he was insecure, intimidated not only by my looks and the guys that hit on me, but by my intellect.  He constantly felt the need to instigate arguments to prove his intellectual capability.  Unfortunately, all he managed to do was prove his inferiority.   Other than that…he was perfect.  I loved him.  I just couldn’t deal with his insecurities after 5 years of trying to show him why he shouldn’t have any.  I have enough of my own and the only thing that’s really, super important to me…is how you treat me and how much affection you give.  That’s the deal breaker/maker.

What’s that saying? Shit or get off the pot? Yeah.