Supernova

I have no focus.  I think that’s my problem.  It’s like I’m rolling around in a galaxy of confusion, bouncing off random space objects, not knowing what’s up, what’s down, where I’m going or why I’m even floating around in this darkness, but then someone like Cody comes in, and to my mind, he explodes on the scene like a supernova and I can’t help but be fixated on him.  And for a moment, I can stop the topsy turvy and focus.  I keep my eyes on him, on the light, and suddenly I’m functioning through life with no problem.  I can do anything.  Everything settles into place and I can walk a straight line again.  I was drawn to him like the moon to the Earth.  I had a pattern and boundaries and reason.  And as soon as he cut me loose, I was pinball-shot back into the chaos.

And I’m not saying he was perfect or my "soul-mate" because I never even got close enough to find out.  He pushed me away before I had a chance to find out, but from the standpoint I had, he was what I needed.  

People speak so much of being "strong," of not needing other people, focusing on yourself, like it’s such a good thing.  Like being completely self-sufficient is important and that’s what the goal in life is, and on the flip side, being like me, unable to stand alone, needing just one other person to be my foundation….that’s bad.  Supposedly.  I guess because you end up suicidal and all distraught when you are alone if you are like me.  He’s not like me, I know.  He has a focus.  His art.  He doesn’t need me, that’s for sure.  He’d probably think I was crazy for feeling this way about him.  He’d say that I don’t know him, I think.  And that’s what hurts…is that I wanted to learn him.  I liked what I saw and I wanted more.  It takes years to really get to know someone and I wanted to know him.  I don’t find people that intrigue me like that very often.  Hardly ever.  Actually, heh….never like that.  He had something deeper, personality-wise, and I just wanted to dive in and breathe him like air.  But someone like me, aiming for someone like that…it’ll never happen.  It can’t because I’m too…un-anchored.  He’d have to reach out and grab me, but he’s not that type.  At least not with me.