The End Part 2 – What Does It Mean?
I know this is super long, but I just want to know if this is all bullshit or if people really exist that think this way…I just…I’m so confused and don’t know what to believe
Me: I’m so mad at you. I wish you had just told me the truth instead of playing games. That’s what it has to be because I can rip apart everything you’ve said so far with proof to back it all up. I would rather you just say you found someone else or lost interest, whatever the truth was, than to try to make it look like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m just so angry and hurt by the situation, the injustice of it and I have no one to talk to about it so it bubbles over …and here it is.
Him: But I haven’t found anyone else and I haven’t lost interest. How am I the one playing games? I’m not the one that left that night and I’m not the one who backed off and made an ultimatum to define what we are. You say I’m playing games, but it’s the exact opposite. I refuse to play games so I go with my gut reactions. You back away and tell me you want me and that I have to make a move. That’s a game! I don’t like that kind of situation. You told me I had to decide and I did. Now you don’t like the outcome so you’re blaming me for playing games.
How are you not? You don’t have to read me. I spell everything out. I tell you what I feel. I tell you why I do things. Every overture I made to you this past week was ignored. Every single one. And you want to say I backed away when it wasn’t my behavior that changed. It was yours. I haven’t done anything wrong except be here. I never left this time. I learned from the first time because you told me and I believed what you said. Yet I don’t leave and I get the same treatment of you pushing me away and making it out like I screwed up. Dubya Tee Eff?!
And I never gave you an ultimatum. That means that I said either you say something or I’m leaving and I never did that. I never told you to make a move either, only that I’m here and I didn’t want to force myself on you. (And the proof of this is in the previous conversations, previous entries on here for those that are interested in verifying.)
I’m not getting into an argument. We obviously see things completely different.
Maybe you need to talk about stuff to prevent belief in erroneous things. Seriously Cody, if you aren’t just tired of me or whatever, why would you push me away? I’m not crazy jealous. I don’t expect much from you at all. All I really want is affection from time to time, someone to talk to, just something to keep me from feeling like I’m down here by myself. Maybe you just don’t see what I have to offer so you don’t care. I don’t know. All I know is that you learn by being with people and you cant’ be scared of talking about stuff otherwise you just get set in your ways.
I didn’t push you away! You said "I distanced myself because I didn’t want to crowd you, I’m neurotic about being overbearing" (I did say something along these lines but he butchered the quote). You distanced yourself from me. I talk about stuff as much as I ever will. That’s me. I’m not a vocal person. Never have been, never will be. And you’re not alone. You have friends at school, you have friends you go to bonfires with. And apparently you have at least 2 other guys that want to be with you.
Distance wasn’t the correct word I guess…holding back is more accurate. And I have acquaintances and guys that want to date me so they ACT like they are my friend, but I don’t like them. I like you. And it fucking sucks because I can’t seem to get you to feel the same about me and so this is the worst timing ever! I was hoping to at least make it through finals…hold the crash off until then =(
But you apparently don’t like me!!! I’m not vocal enough and I seem distant and like I want space when I don’t. You like what you think I could be, not what I am.
There’s always some things that need to be talked about. It’s that way with everyone. I don’t need you to be vocal all the time. But every now and then, sure, like you have to tell me if I’m being too affectionate or not enough, just like you have to say if you don’t like something sexually. That’s how you learn.
And if I dont’ say anything you assume the worst. I’ve been through this before. I guess I’m just not cut out for relationships. Oh well. I’m not going to force myself to talk more. It feels fake.
I’m not trying to change you at all. I’m trying to learn you. There’s a big difference. That’s how you grow as a person, by learning other people, so no…I like you for who you are now, not who you could be. You just seem to misinterpret me and you run away at the slightest thing.
<span style="color: rgb(0
, 204, 255);”>No!!! You do!!
I’m not running you nerd! I’m chasing which is exactly what I said I wouldn’t do!
You’re projecting your thoughts onto me! You say I misinterpret and run, but that’s exactly what you’ve done twice. Run, pull back, give space whatever. I haven’t once! You misinterpret me!
Cody stop. Go back through your texts. I never pulled away this time. Are you scared of relationships or something? If you don’t want me for whatever reason, that’s fine, but dont’ say it’s because I ran. That’s not true and you know it.
No, I swear you said that you pulled away to give me space because you’re afraid of being overbearing! It was a couple days ago, or yesterday. I swear you said something to that affect. But I’m not going to try to convince you of something you said. Believe what you want.
I remember that. Not disputing it. Wrong word choice, was just holding back. What I meant was to look at the other things…me telling you I missed you and such.
But you don’t understand that THAT IS PLAYING GAMES! pulling back and telling me you want to be with me. Doing two contradicting things and telling me to act on one. A game. Not playing.
But you always invited me to do stuff…I figured you didn’t want to since you didn’t ask. I didn’t do anything differently. My emotions never changed. I understand more about you now if you are being honest. I don’t want you to push me away. I just want you to believe me. If you can handle the affection, I won’t hold back. That’s really all I’ve done. I can give whatever you want. I’m very adjustable, always have been. There’s only a few shades I dont have.
I like you Kerri. We have a lot in common, but I can’t stand games, not for one second. I wasted enough of my life playing games in relationships. And even if it’s unintentional, you play games.
One more chance then, if you insist on saying I play games. I ought to at least be given a chance to redeem my name from that accusation. I never tried to manipulate you. I thought that’s what games were. I only tried to give you what it seemed you wanted.
I already gave you a second chance. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I’ve done that and it wrecked me. I promised myself I would never do it again.
But there were different results this time. I learn quickly. You only have a month or so til you leave anyway. What harm can it do to try? I won’t hurt you, I promise. You might learn something. If you give me permission to not hold back, I’m awesome =P And you’d be doing me a huge favor by not making me go through this in the middle of the semester…I’ve slept almost nonstop for the past 2 days…Besides, 3rd times the charm they always say and if it doesn’t work, I’ll give up and let you say "I told you so"
Don’t put that on me. It’s your life, only you ar
e responsible for how you react to certain situations. You say I’m afraid of being in a relationship, but you’re afraid of not being in one. You need to learn to love yourself. It’s the only thing you can control.
I don’t like not being in one that’s for sure. But I can. I did it all summer. I just feel that my strongest talent lies in my ability to feel and care…and I don’t like not having an outlet. That’s why I’m going back into music because I realize I’m not always going to have someone there for me to be physically expressive with and writing doesn’t give the release that music does.
Then that’s something you need to do.
I am doing it =P But why should that make a difference of whether youre willing to be with me? Why don’t you want me? I just don’t get it.
Because you unknowingly play games.
I won’t. I swear. I know your definition now. Where I’m from, what you call a game is just cautiousness, but I can do without. I’m not scared.
No Kerri. It’ll happen again. IT would just be prolonging the inevitable.
You just don’t feel strongly for me Cody =P It’s okay.You’ve got someone here willing to be with you, to work around any problems that you foresee, who genuinely cares about you and isn’t demanding anything in return, yet you focus on minor flimflam as excuses to push me away. You’re condemning me for being human despite my superhuman abilities to adjust. You wont’ even give me a real chance. I don’t know what sort of people you’ve met in your life but, emotionally, I’m pretty rare. I know people see it. I have lots of offers. I didn’t have to be single all summer…I chose to be because I didn’t feel that pull. I dont know why you don’t value it, unless you just don’t want to be with someone. It really makes no sense. And you’re not a fortune teller so quit trying to act like you can predict the future =P</span
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I’m not predicting the future; I’m learning from past experience. And I agree, you do have a lot to offer, but I think there is someone out there who is more compatible to you. One you can read more easily and one that can read you. That’s not me.
*sigh* I guess so =( Maybe. I’m easy to read though ^^ I come with a handy dandy translator…I just don’t like passing up opportunities. You never know what will happen in life and if you find something that makes you happy, well, I always say go for it. I just thought there was something in you wroth fighting for despite your walls. Truth is…I’ve only felt that pull I keep referring to twice in my life. I’ve also only been able to have an orgasm with 2 people so, yeah, and I’ve kissed a lot of guys…and every time, I’m always looking for a connection. I’ve found it more than twice, but still not a lot. That’s really what makes me think you never felt it because I can’t imagine passing it up even for a moment. Guess i do have shitty instincts.
The biggest thorn in my side has always been people telling me how I feel.
Sorry =( Didn’t mean it like a be-all end-all truth of the universe…just as an assertion of what it looks like from here. Lol, that’s all you got out of my novella? Well done =P
It just happened to stick out the sharpest.
If we are so incompatible then why did I feel such a strong pull to you? What’s the reason for it? Maybe I’m supposed to chase you around and make you see things differently or maybe you’re supposed to teach me something or maybe its all jsut a big fluke and means nothing. I hate not knowing.
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