Not Yet

Scared?  Yeah.  My instincts aren’t exactly comfortable, but god have those bastards been wrong in the past.  I’m staying.  That’s all I can do. 

I keep trying to rationalize.  I can’t possibly be in love with him.  It’s too soon.  If I love, it’s because I see an image of someone that I hope is true, but I don’t have enough evidence to prove it yet, so, it can’t really be love.  Yet, I became so overwhelmed with emotion in class that I finally just tore off a little corner of a piece of paper and scribbled "I love you i love you i love you i love you i love you…" until the entire amount of white space was completely black with ink and it was impossible to read anything…just looked like black paper.  Then, in the blackness, I wrote "I fucking love you."  But, by that point, I couldn’t even see what I was writing.  I think it was just a needed release.  I didn’t dare write any of it on regular paper that could be found and read.  It’s almost as if, that would’ve been validation of it.  But, this has to be some major crush or something and I’m just being dramatic I’m sure.  So I vented on my little corner piece of paper and destroyed it so that there’s no evidence.  I’m good.