Wasn’t Expecting This

More texting between me and Cody.  I thought it was all over before =/

Me: I miss you.  I know you don’t want to hear it.  It fucking sucks.  I make pretty music though because that’s how I cope.  Whatevs.  I’d have moved on but guys my age are so guarded, thinking I’m gonna hurt’em.  I never would .  I just wanna keep someone for my own…just wish someone would want me as much as I want them for once.  It’s whatevs though.  I’ll make a song out of it one day. =) At least you know somebody thought you were awesome at one point, right?   No more following guys for me…maybe someone will follow me for once, yeah?

Him: Sounds like you’ve had a lot of time to think.  But everytime I’ve seen you, you’ve been surrounded by guys.

Psh! That’s what I’ve had to do.  I don’t know how to be single.  I’ve been in serious relationships since I was 20.  I have too much to give if I dont’ have someone.

Too much of what to give?

Affection =(  I just broke up with this keyboard player because he plays games…tired of those.  Just lonely…goddamn I’m lonely here.

You’ve already dated someone else?

Yeah. =( I tried.  Just want you though.  Been trying to get over my ex for months…never could..then I met you and you were perfect and I finally moved on and then you didn’t want me anymore and you were perfect. =(  I dont’ care.  Just want you to know that you were perfect to me…for as long as it lasted…dont accept anything less.

I’m sorry.  I don’t know what to say.

I’m just retarded. =P I don’t know how to casually date…had sex with you because I thought you were just an amazing person.  That’s the quickest my panties have ever dropped lol.  Want you to know that.  I know it doesn’t make sense, but I was just drawn to you =)

I miss you too.  I wish things ended differently.

I don’t regret it at all.  Just lonely now.  That’s all.  I’ve changed.  A lot.  Life is…a movie..i think.

And then he ended up coming out to the beach and jumpstarting my car because my dumb drunkass left the lights on and the battery died and we talked….well it was mostly me just talking…about how I missed him, how it hurt, how I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself distracted and then I broke down in tears and sobbed and he held me.  And…then I went home with him and spent the night and this morning…the guy I’ve been seeing texted me and I looked at Cody and said "He’s arguing with my decision to end it.  Should I continue to cut it off?  Because if you want me, you’ve got me."  And he didn’t say anything, but he grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me next to him. 

*sigh*  i don’t know….