What Do You Do When You Just Have No Reason?

The absolute worst part about getting into a suicidal depression is that you can’t tell anyone.  You can’t because you run the risk of being committed or having condescension heaped on top of your depression.  I have my grandmother, but telling her would just make me feel guilty for even burdening her with it.  If I wasn’t already alone enough as it is, this would just make me all the more so.

As unsatisfied as I was in my last serious relationship, the one that lasted almost 5 years, I regret leaving it for the simple fact that when I got like this…I had a light.  There’s no light now.  Nothing.  And it hurts and it’s been hurting pretty intensely for the past few days.  No amount of rationalization and telling myself to wait til tomorrow has helped either.  This is just a godawful revulsion to existence.  Pain so intense and debilitating that it over-rides the natural fear mechanism we have.  I’ve been swimming way out in the ocean between the hours of 3am to 6am all this past weekend…by myself.  I don’t fear sharks because I don’t really believe they would attack me anyway, but in the event that they did, the time it would take me to die would be less than the days and weeks of pain it takes me to get over this bullshit I go through now.  And, honestly, I know I’d be screaming in terror and petrified with fear, but at least I wouldn’t be depressed like this.  I’d know the end was coming.  And drowning.  Same thing.  I just don’t care.  I see why I should be afraid, but the fear just isn’t strong enough to keep me away from it.  

Seriously.  What do you do when you just don’t have a reason to live?  Other people have always been my reason.  It sucks.  I"ve tried to develop a "healthy" mindset to life, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t value anything about my life unless it’s important to someone else, someone that is important to me.  I need to be needed.  I need to be attached.  In order to feel good about myself, I need someone else to value me.  As sad as that is.  I don’t know why I’m like that.  I don’t feel pretty unless someone I care about is telling me that I am.  I don’t feel that my existence is worth anything unless I know that someone I care about would be pained by the lack of it.  And even with that, I know my grandmother would be hurt by my death, but I’m so tired of fighting that a bullet to the head is starting to look more savory by the minute.  The highs I have just aren’t remarkable enough to sustain me through this mess anymore. 

I’m an automaton.  Everything I do, I do it because I have to, because it’s expected of me.  Not because I enjoy it.  All my classes and the work involved, my bartending job, my grading job…it’s just stuff that keeps the cogs moving.  It’s shitty.  There is no joy.  Even the guy that I’ve split from now, the one I started dating a few weeks ago…I wasn’t elated when we started being together.  I was just relieved that I wasn’t completely alone anymore.