Kissing

I’ve been tossed into the sea of emotions yet again and, of course, I question and analyze why I feel what I feel, as is my way.  And, in this case, (that of having dated a guy for a few weeks and getting way too attached too quickly), I’ve discovered the "why" of the intensity of my emotions.  For the curious, this particular guy is moving when he graduates with his masters in 3 months so…yeah…I found this out, confessed my feelings (there was no L-word =P) and so we settle on friends to avoid future attachment and pain.  Well, it hurts.  And I want to know why it hurts so badly when I’ve only known this guy for a month or so.  He’s beautiful and intelligent and all these great things, but there’s so much more to a person that those first impressions and I got nowhere near touching the bottom.  I was still floating in the shallows. 

And then I think about the things I miss the most and it comes down to touching and kissing.  Not sex…not even the sleeping and cuddling in the same bed which I do thoroughly enjoy…but …I’m not sure how to explain it.  It might be different for other people.  When I kiss…when my lips meet another person’s and my hands frame the face, thumbs caressing…fingers in hair…any of that…it’s an expression.  It’s not an admittance of how horny I am or how attracted I am to the other person.  It’s a desire I have to be known, to be felt, to have my soul…the truest part of me, somehow manifest on my lips long enough for someone else to taste it.  It’s a desire to have the inside be understood in terms of the outside.  And that’s what I miss the most.  I thought I had found someone that knew that, that could feel something more than just the physicality of it.  I don’t know.  I think I scare people with my intensities.  Why are people ….uncomfortable with them?