I’m back… and public

Thalwag (n.) – The deepest section running the length of a river or stream.  It is typically the location of the strongest current. 

Yeah… I just made up that definition.  Apparently you can’t find "thalwag" in any online dictionary.  Dustin and I, however have decided to call it the "tallywhacker" since it’s easier to remember.  Dr. Urban tends to snicker every time we say it, though.  "Tallywhacker?  You should keep that stuff to yourself, gentlmen."  He gets a kick out of our invented words and definitions.  Whenever I’m taking GPS readings, I get to the the "polesitter".  Yeah… we’re strange, but we don’t care.  When you bake under the sun for 9 straight hours, you start to get a little odd. 

So I’ve been getting a lot of complaints that I never write in here anymore.  Actually, I get complaints every time I stop writing in here.  Truth be told, I usually end up going to private entries, mainly because I just want to write about things I might be too ashamed of other people reading or just because I don’t feel like being very public.  To make a long story short, it’s just not me.  I was never one to hide behind a password and not share what was going on in my life.  Honestly, I’m happier when I can write it out and share it.  It was always a genuine outlet for myself, and I honestly never really had anything to be quite so ashamed of.  Like I told Sarah the other day, I’ve more or less rededicated myself the last month.  I’ve been taking medication to help me better deal with and handle my emotional issues.  My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression Disorder and Non-Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and the medication I have been taking has had varied results.  We’ve changed dosages and medications themselves, and we have finally found something that really works well for me.  Eventually I will be able to manage things in my live well without medication at all, but for now, I realized I can use whatever help I can get. 

I suppose the general gist of things right now is that I’m in a rebuilding phase.  I’ve made some really poor decisions… hence my desire to rededicate myself.  So far things have gone extremely well, and I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years.  Actually, it’s more so being happier with myself and who I am.  It’s hard to be really happy with your situation when you’ve alienated yourself from many friends and actually hurt many of them… some of them to the point of no return.  It’s just despicable how much I’ve taken advantage of some people’s trust.  The more I think about it, the easier it is to rezlize how important it is to anyone’s relationships.  I am happier with myself, but I still feel lonely at times and frustrated.  This, however, isn’t really anyone else’s fault.  I’m the one who abused frienships and isolated myself.  The somewhat ironic – and somewhat sad – thing that I’ve come to feel lately is that so many people are too busy with themselves to really allow time to actually care about other people.  I know it’s a rather cynical approach, especially considering what I’ve gone through lately, but the point is that so many people are too stuck on themselves and their familiarities.  It seems as though the smallest and most basic acts of kindness will usually go unnoticed or unappreciated.  It may just be some kind of overreaction on my part, but many times I feel as though I’m the only person putting any considerable effort into certain situations or new-found friendships.  People just don’t seem to want to step out and freely make any meaningful initiative.  I know it sound very pretentious to say something like this when I’ve just talked about how I’ve abused some long time friendships… and I honestly feel quite conflicted with myself when thinking about both sides of the issue… but I can’t deny the fact that it’s how I honestly feel. 

Now to get onto more cheery subjects, I’ve been doing a lot lately to get things turned around in my life.  For one, I’ve been seriously thinking about becoming active again at church.  I was invited to play softball with some guys up in Moberly in some league play and they liked me enough to invite me to be part of the team.  So now I’m playing every other week and getting a ride from Joey up to the games.  I’ve gotten to know some of them and have consequently become a little more interested in, as I said, becoming more active.  So far I’m back and forth on the subject, but I’m just taking my time and seeing where things lead. 

I’ve also decided to get as active as possible in the Geography department.  The more I get to know the faculty and become more integrated in the system, the better my resume and experience will look.  Right now I’m working with two graduate students and another undergrad senior on a research project we’re doing with the United States Geological Survey and the Department of Natural Resources.  We’re going around to several watersheds around the state of Missouri and doing research on the population movement and flucuation of small-mouth bass.  As you can see from my first paragraph, we’ve been having a lot of fun doing the field work.  We basically spend all day standing in rivers and streams collecting flow data and cross section information.  I’m the 100 meter man.  I pretty much lay down 100 meter sections, mark it off at 10 meter cross sections and then take GPS readings, photographic data of canopy cover, and a bunch of other data collection stuff.  I honestly feels really good to get outside a lot more.  I’ve already been taking a lot more time and interest in biking around columbia, but this just hits the nail on the head.  I am more and more impressed with our department and in how much the faculty actually care about your progress.  It helps when the department is small and filled with many knowledgable teachers. 

Speaking of school, it’s going to take me longer than expected to finish undergrad.  I’ve screwed around too much and had issues with grades, but I’ve finally settled down and gotten things in order.  I got 3 A’s this last winter semester… even though it was community college, but it’s a start.  I’ve been reaccepted to Mizzou under final probation, though.  They accepted me back under the conditions my psychiatrist recommended me for.  The appeals committee was extremely understanding of my situation and decided to give me a…. well, third chance.    I certainly intend to take full advantage of this opportunity.  The committee is behind me 100% and is offering a lot of support and advice.  I’ve also decided to throw in a computer science minor since it fits in my timeline.  Having such a minor with a major in GIS will help me out immensely.  It will greatly improve my marketability once I finish undergrad.  I’m not sure yet if I want to go on to grad school or not.  Time will tell. 

Anyways… this has been a rather lengthy entry.  I hope all is going well with everyone else.  Honestly, if you have any questions or whatever, just l

et me know.  I feel better getting back into the public eye already.  =0)