sometimes, i just dont give a damn.

I’m so tired as of lately.   Don’t get me wrong.  I love my job, i love my house, and I Love my life… or I think I do.  you know?…  anyway I’m not in need of anything or something like that.  If I dont say so myself, i think I’m doing great.  The only thing is, I still feel as if something is missing.  No, its not Carlos, I’m actually kinda over him.  I guess I’m just missing someone.  Someone that can be close to me and such.  Its kinda depressing being alone, after having someone for so long, although there was rancid hate for the one I was with.  

I’ve met a few guys.  All better than the last in many ways.  I’ve had my eye on one and I hope to get to know him better.  He is a rather sweet guy.  Tattoos, loves fast cars, funny, cute, adorable and we share common attitudes.  He loves playing and so do I! He doesn’t have a problem with saying silly things and he loves Starbucks!  

I’m starting to see that there is other men out there.  Better suited for me.  Men that I can relate to more and that in order for me to be happy i dont have to have someone control my every living breath.  Heh.. I wont lie, its hard.  Cause now i have all this freedom and I dont know what to do with it… but I’m learning.  I’m going out more, I’ve started seeing friends again and I’ve gone here and there.  I go shopping for myself, pamper myself and make friends with people that Carlos would have never approved of.  And I love it.  

So I’m crazy, funky, funny, different and more than anything far from perfect.  And thats ok.  because I’m my own kind of perfect.  I dont need drugs, I dont need to drink to have fun, and I dont have to do things to please anyone else but myself.  

I’m still sorta lost.  Not sure where to go and how to move, and yes i have panic attacks thinking about just how far I’ll dare stick my foot out of the line i’ve been living by for the past four years of my life, but I’m slowly getting over it.  I’m going to do as I please now, and I will be in control of what happens to me and around me.  I used to be before, i dont see why I cant be any more. 

He can go ahead and say I’m a liar to all his friends, say that I "cheated" when technically he was the one to do so.  He can claim that I did this and that, when really he should never point a finger at me before considering everything he did.  So to him I say, I dont give a damn.  At least not anymore.

I gave him plenty of oportunities and now, times ran out on him, and someone else will fill the void he left.  I’m fast at forgetting.  I’m awfully good at it.  And like the memories of my childhood he will go as well, a fire will scorch him out of my mind and when the wound heals there will be nothing left of him.  I do however, require my journal to be returned to me, and I hope that Kuri-kun might be able to pick it up on one of his visits to the valley.  I know I can trust him with it… its my one true holy possesion.  I wouldnt trust anyone else with it.  once my hands are on that hard cover it will be impossible for me to release it.  

Anyway, I guess I’m done for the night.

~Anti~

The Kirby Dance:

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