Dear Die-ary, Things can just be so confusing…

Its been a long times since I’ve written anything.  But I guess I’m here to write now.  Its about 3:44 and I’m sitting here… lonely.  Things haven’t gone exactly how I expected them to go.  Honestly, besides the weight loss everything has been down hill.  (I’ve lost about 20 pounds in just the last month and  half. 

So yeah.  I’m sad most of the time.  I don’t talk to AF hottie as much as I used to.  However, every time I do he tells me how me wants to spend time with me and what not… of course we haven’t gone out.  I’m just not up to it.  Its wrong and just ugh… anyway so I haven’t gone out… last time I did I went to the park with the family this past weekend and had a small bbq which consisted of me sitting on a bench listening to the classical rock concert that was going on.  But besides that my weeks have been pretty dull…

I got laid off this past tuesday, which only adds a damper on my moods.  You know, no matter how I try to look at the positive side of things… I’m always disapointed.  Things just suck, and although I hate to admit it… I feel like shit more than  half of the time, I feel so worthless so pathetic and so unhappy that I’m impressed with myself.  Or more of the fact that I’ve perfected pretending to be happy.

Although people tell me I can Speak with them if I need anything, and everyone offers a shoulder to cry on an ear to listen I just can’t bring myself to talk and open up.  I always freeze, I always choke my words back and fill up with so  much rage that I just hate.  I swear I feel this lump in my throat, as if the words that I want to scream out are stuck there, as if the words that I so desperately want to speak strangle me.  
Its just becoming impossible to take a breath without aching.  I’m trying my best to be perfect… I’m more "mature" now.  I’m responsible, I’m straight forward, I think about the future, I plan ahead and I dont act like a child anymore, and yet I’m still so unhappy.  I’ve never felt so disconnected from myself.  I’ve never felt so distant.  Its so strange.  I feel as if I am an outsider viewing in to my own life, and its really nothing I like.  I’m doing nothing good.  I’m not back in school, I’m not with the person I love… I’m not where I want to be.

Yes I know, Then Get to it! don’t sit around and just wait.  Well I can’t seem to do anything.  I can’t move cause I dont have money anymore, I dont have anything.  

But ou of all of this, here comes possibly the worst news of all…. I know some of you are going to hate me for this but I guess i"ll just deal with it when the time comes.  

I’ve been talking to the Jerk again (AKA Carlos).  I swear every time I do I break down in tears because I just don’t know how to please him.  and I dont know how to fix the problems that have been created… He broke up with the cow yesterday… and I was happy, but then he said "I didn’t do it because I want to be with you" that killed me a bit inside… but then we kept talking and I thought I could forget about it… and worst subjects came up.  I said I wanted to go back to the Valley… and he said "NO.  if you come here dont expect for me to be with you.  I’ll see you once in a while, but I wont be with you."…. Just typing this makes my eyes water and my heart ache and its just so horrible.  How could he still say "I love you, Te amo mas q nada" and yet still say these horrible things to me?  He says he wants to be with me… but not just yet.  He wants me to wait and he wants to play me… he then said to me "Oh I’m going to stay here for 8 years and then I’m going to call you" Which I answerd with, Honey after August the 15th I wont be answering anything from you, and he replied "Oh yes you will, I know you will"… he doesn’t seem to believe that I have the capacity to just say no and turn him away.  he doesn’t believe that I will delete every form of way in which he can contact me.  This hurts me even more.  Because I will do it.  Because this is my final little strand that dangles mercifully, struggling to latch on to him.  Its as if I’m holding on with just my pinky.  As if my pinky is holding all my weight and its about to slip and let me break free… But free to what I’m not completely sure.

God, I’ve grown to hate myself so much.  Sometimes I still wish I’d die… but then I think about not fitting in a god damn casket cause I’m such a fucking fat pig.  I think about my mom and the kids and it just turns everything around and makes me feel like I"m such a horrible person.  

Why on Earth am I letting this happen to me?  Its as if I was a butterfly… but he went ahead and chopped one of my wings off and threatened to cut the other one off if I as much as moved a toe out of line… but thats it.

Honey, if you’re reading this.  Let it be knowng that I’m not your pet.  I’m not coming crawling back to you.  I’m not putting my life on hold for you.  After my set date, I will NOT speak with you ever again.  If I talked to you this last time it was because I honestly wanted to just build a friendship.  Because I wanted no hard feelings.  Might as well have the person I love as a friend than not at all… but it seems like you cant even do that for me.  

ugh… fuck this shit.  I’m ganna go pop some pills and pass out or something, Oh, and by the way, yeah I drink more than I should.  Chew on that for a while.

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