Dear Die-Ary From WEE to UGH
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Lately it has been rather crazy for me!! what with school, work and a super awesome boyfriend to keep me occupied I’ve not had the time to actually sit down and type as much as I want.
Besides all of that… its been… Good.
Carlos has behaved, not like he wouldn’t… I think? Things have been great. He spends more time with me every day, and he works with me.. Not to mention he is going to start school with me this Monday! Today he didn’t but that’s ok. I was shopping, and I highly doubt he would want to go do that with me… I tend to be a rather… Intense shopper… lol
Anyway… Back to catching up.. its been great with him, everyday I get to know him more and every single time I look at his face I can’t help but smile!!! When I speak with him I smile and when I catch myself thinking about him I smile… I know CHEESY KARLA!!!! But it’s the Honest truth!!. You would have thought that I was one of the people that would just turn and be all cool about it and be just like “Oh.. sweet… whatever” type of thing… but I find myself being girly T__T a lot more girly that I intended too EVER be…. But all that aside on to what I was talking about… Him making me smile and squirm and just be happy and peppy… Kinda Inspirational! Lol
School has been… Interesting… Kinda Easy… I seriously thought it would be harder, but even with my slightly slacking off and doing work only off of the top of my head I’ve managed to pass my first class with a B. Not bad for a slacker eh? Lol. Grades aside its been a shit load of work. Just books and notes and paper and all those other things. Who would have thought being an MOS would be so… wowish? I’ve learned more about the human body and I’m impressed at just how much I didn’t know, and just how much work goes behind running a doctors office. I made a friend… Shes pretty sweet, we go off and pass the break times together here or there, but with Carlos starting school with me on Monday I’m not all that sure how that will work in to the equation. Meh… it will work out. Things always work out for me…. Or so I think.
Anyway on to family now, its been fun fun fun… for the most part I suppose, working with Tia after school is always fun and hard (Especially when there is a few pages in my work book that need to be done and turned in the next day!!) But all that aside its been fun. We recently got word about the law suit that was brought up against all those oil rights for our family! As it turns out, we’ve won and our name is up next to get the mulla flowing in. Haha! I guess Being a Princess is paying off after all? Even If I’m a lost Spanish Princess. Meh oh well. We still have to wait until my aunts cousin finishes filing all the paperwork with our distant cousin in Monterey, but we all have our fingers crossed that it wont take tooo long for it all to fall through. That money would be GREAT right around now. I’d be able to pay off my college tuition and even buy a much needed car!!… But all in due time I suppose all in due time….
This weekend was rather fun, Friday and Sunday I got to spend with my love <3 and today I spent out shopping with the family, Bought two sweet pairs much needed Vans , socks and a few school supplies. I know I got some other things I just can’t remember right now. Anyway, the rest of the day was boring, we had a small cookout, had some unexpected guest and I hid out on the computer, I didn’t eat much x_x but that’s cause I wasn’t hungry.
Blah I’ve got nothing better to talk about right now… and this Entry has been… In my opinion rather boring. I Have nothing to complain about, besides mom being in town this past week!
OOOH I so forgot about that!! Lol Yeah… mom was around and well… I didn’t spend time with her. I wont lie, I kinda cried a little bit cause she didn’t seem to care much about me… and the few times that we talked we did kinda argue… UGH… she wanted me to move in with him but… but… I was strong… and I showed EVERYONE that NO my mom does NOT control me. I Can control my own life and actions now… I’m an adult and that I remember she used to tell me “when you’re an adult you can do what ever the hell you want, but while you’re a kid and you live under my roof its my rules” well… things have changed haven’t they? I don’t live under her roof and I’m not a kid anymore. So I can do what ever I want. Right? Right. A few times she tried giving me the entire “guilt trip” thing… with the “I thought that when I grew old my kids would take care of me and they would help with the bills but nothing worked out” crap… I Just made it sim
ple sweet yet bitter for her. I let her know that I would have NO contact with Rey and My older sister. And that If I was going to start paying bills I wanted Everyone that was living there help pay to… I mean shit There is My older sister, her fucktard reject boyfriend, my uncle Felipe and her. I am not going to be paying no bills if they aren’t. Not to mention I am NOT going to be paying bills in a house I don’t even live in anymore!!! So yeah… I spent maybe a single day with her for a while… and Carlos was upset… but I just had to… cause she is my mom after all… I mean I know he sees her as a complete bitch and she can be a complete bitch, but she is still my mom.
I still want to spend time with her, cause… well she was with me for SOOO long, and at times she did take care of us… and I prefer to remember the mom I knew when I was much younger. The one that would sit out in the porch and wait for my older sister to come home from school with me. The one that would play dolls and teach us nursery songs and serve us good soup and what not…. But I guess that image of mom died out when the drugs and drinking came in to the picture… meh… She changed… but I still remember how it used to be… when she would play and smile and hug me as if… as if She really did care for me… I don’t know what changed… I seriously don’t know why she stopped caring for me… For a long time I thought it was because I was such a bad kid… and that’s why I joined everything. From cheerleading to band to sports!! I learned how to play the guitar to please her, and I even learned how to cook some of her favorite meals… But Still… I’m just… not her favorite kid… I’m not the one she will pamper and I’m not the one she will never look away from… I’m still just her fuck up… the mistake… the one that wasn’t meant to be….
Just like Narciso…. I was just that one fuck up child… Both of them are so strange to me… I mean, I don’t understand them… and when I picture them in my head and myself in my head… They both look so scary to me… So dark and frightening and big, and I can’t help but feel my heart crush under their weight and want from me… Cause I was never good enough and I will never be good enough for either of them.
BLAH!… I’ve managed to make a happy day and a good mental state in to a depressive one. T__T just great… I guess I’ll go to bed… or go write all of this pent up anger down on my hand journal. I can’t believe a tear just slid down my cheek again…
~Anti~
The Kirby Dance:
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