First nervous breakdown of 2018!

Yep – you read that right!  Unfortunately – a really tough work day ultimately led to my demise; aka, bawling in the fetal position on the floor uncontrollably this evening.

It sounds worse than it is – but it was an unfortunate visit back to 2017 where these were a lot more frequent. 🙁

If any of you follow – you remember that I started a new job (promotion) within my same company this month.  Obviously, it’s week 3 – which means obviously, Elle is deciding that she needs to know it all and be the best after only being in the position for less than a month.

All the makings for a complete disaster.  First of all – I’m INCREDIBLY hard on myself.  Always have been – always will be.  It’s not something that just goes away – I attribute that to my years growing up playing competitive athletics, and ironically, my parents not ever being hard on me…

Second, I had a very shit day.  First of all – I had to conduct a “mock” presentation in front of one of our co-founders (side note – I’ll be SO glad when this bullshit is fucking over.  Scuse my language.  I hate mock-presenting to anyone.  They are SO much more judgmental and critical than a typical client would be).  So anyway – it went HORRIBLY.  I literally had to stop.  He came in the room and was really nice because he could tell I was going to cry.  Luckily, I didn’t!  But I was on the verge.  I’m sure they knew it.  UGH.  It was just terrible.

Naturally – because work isn’t going the best – I let everything else get away from me.  My house is a mess.  I have a TON of stuff to do before we head to my parents for their retirement party this weekend.  Kip, my doggie is a mess (needs a bath and haircut – bad dog mom).  I haven’t been taking care of myself (exercising, eating right, etc.)

Basically just a train wreck – hence, the nervous breakdown.  I have NO idea why I let work get the best of me when it comes to life.  It has in every single environment I’ve worked in.  If work is good – I’m GREAT!  If work is not… consider me a couch potato with no motivation. It’s the reality of things thus far.  When I worked as the operations manager for large, designer retail store – I had one breakdown every couple of weeks.  I would get REALLY bad.  My husband didn’t and doesn’t know what to do with me.   He really does try to be supportive but it’s hard to help someone in that situation.  I take everything he says the wrong way and lash right back out at him.  Luckily – since I started at my new company, I can count on one hand how many breakdowns I’ve had in the last year.  This honestly was my first one in 2018 – maybe since last July.  Which is a good thing!  My mental health is a lot more stable.

However – feelings are creeping back in since I’m struggling with my job and not necessarily enjoying it.  🙁

I will say – despite this, and my breakdown this evening, I am very blessed.  I hate what’s happening in our world right now – it just absolutely tears me apart.  I also realize that what I go through on a daily basis is nothing compared to most right now.  And I need to keep that in perspective.  Thankful for this life.  But for the time being – I need to figure out a more efficient way on how to navigate myself through it without being a total headcase.  I would hate for these breakdowns to become a “thing” again.

Anyway – thank you for listening.  Anyone else experiencing similar instability?  It’s literally the worst.  I hate being uncomfortable.  People always say, do things that scare you, that catapults growth… but damn, can I grow without being deathly afraid every day?  Lol.

Much love,

-Elle