a few thoughts on a few topics

Loss and grief – I don’t remember what I wanted to say about this. Except maybe that because of the loss of my sister, I have become closer to my father. It’s easier to tell him I love him. Maybe one of the lessons we learn from loss is to let go of old hurts. Holding on to them does not serve us in any positive way. Holding on to them just perpetuates the bad feelings. So let go now while you are still alive and live a fuller life.

Father’s Day – I remember my father as a distant person. Always working. Work seemed more important than kids. But I understand now that it was his inability to see how his absorption in his work took him away from being an involved and nurturing father. My dad is a good man – even if he doesn’t always operate within the letter of law. He has “cheated the system” – still does. But he’s provided a good life for he and my mom. I can’t ask for more than that at this point in my life. As I write this they are on their way to a little overnight excursion that we – their kids – treated them to for their anniversary. 61 years married. Not bad.

Plan for what’s next – Just what is next? I have sort of a knot in my stomach thinking about what is next. My shoulders are in my ears as I write. My neck is tense all the way up into the back of my skull. I have to make a decision about my job.

14 year old – I am astonished that I have a daughter this age. And she is absolutely amazing in my eyes. H sent me several pictures of her yesterday. Images of her so little -captured. I am doing my very best to hold on to every moment because it is going so fast. She wants to stay a little girl. And then she has the most grown up conversations with me. She is shy but outspoken. She is everything a 14 year girl should be and more. Above all – she is D. And she is my precious child. We celebrated her yesterday with special breakfast. A small gift in the morning. More gifts after school. And a movie and dinner with her friends. She was so happy. That’s all I wanted for her. Mission accomplished.