Reflections on a Valentine’s Day

Not sure how many of you celebrate this but to those that do, hope it is a great weekend. L and I have never really done much for it other than maybe go out to dinner.

Do any of you get reflective about past relationships during this time? I do sometimes and seem to have more so this year. I imagine it has a lot to do with all the talks with M that I have had over the last year. People are right when they say that you never forget your first real love and I am certain that she was mine. I know my folks once thought she’d be the one I’d marry. The rational part of me knows that if what I see in her now is any indication that had be truly gotten together it could have ended badly. Yet even knowing all this, the heart still feels a tug every so often. It’s just a weird feeling and just to clarify, I am honestly content with my life with L and the girls.

Years ago I came across a song that immediately and better than anything else described the effect M had on me and on occasion still does.

Indigo Girls – Ghost

There’s a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams

The Mississippi’s mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you can walk across with five steps down
And that’s just how you started like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

There’s not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most
I’m in love with your ghost
I’m in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret it gets whispered in a hush (don’t tell a soul)
And when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don’t
tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover and you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
Dance the edge of sanity I’ve never been this close
In love with your ghost
oooooh-oooooooh-ooooooh-oooooooooh
oooooh-oooooooh-ooooooh-oooooooooh

Unknowing captor you’ll never know how much you
Pierce my spirit but I can’t touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
Oh I’m forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels

This bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can’t swim free the river is too deep
Though I’m baptized by your touch I am no worse at most
In love with your ghost

In love with your ghost
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams