Now where was I…

Has it really been a year since my last entry? Oops!

I guess I can continue on from where I left off in my last entry. It has been a year now and and M and I continue to talk. We’ve had lunch a few times and she even went over to my folks for a brunch last summer. It’s been interesting sorting through all my old feelings. I probably would have kept them well buried and forgotten had M not told me shortly after my last entry what happened when we had dated last. I mentioned that she got distant and instead of finding out why, I just faded away. She shared that she did that on purpose to protect me – that I didn’t need all the bagage, kids, and drama that filled her life then. That truly hit me especially as she later told me about some of the drama that followed her shortly after my exit. In the end though she found someone who seems to be a pretty good match.

Sometimes I wonder if she really knew what she was protecting me from? In the year we’ve reconnected, we’ve gotten to know a lot about each other. We really did take different paths in life. There is always that age old debate about how much of who we are is genetic and how much formed by our environment and experiences. M’s adult life started hard and that is how I perceive her many times when I listen. She has no empathy for others nor really wants to be around a lot of folks. She is a partier still and with the few friends she enjoys, spends much of the summer weekends at a campground plastered. The campground itself is a more unique one but I’ll leave those details out. In our interactions, I find that she critiques me constantly. Her hubby is a dominant person and whether she admits it or not, controls everything they do. It really seems not much different that those in her life when we dated last other than this guy doesn’t beat or otherwise abuse her. Their universe extends barely beyond the two of them and live to have fun. Sometimes maybe I am jealous of the last bit. To them a job is a job. You clock in, do exactly what you are told, and clock out. In fact that is one way she described how we are different. It is just a job to them but what I have is a career. I am the first to admit that I put too much of myself into my work but am getting better at taking time off and delegating more.

All in all, this has been an eye opening experience for me. She said recently that if we had gotten together, she’d have chewed me up and spit me out. she may be right. She has little tolerance for things like last week when I and some others helped a friend paint some rooms in his house. She said that is something that he can do himself and while she is right, there is nothing wrong giving up a day to help out. Same goes for her contempt for L and her efforts to loose weight. L (my wife) has struggled with her weight for her whole life. She has dieted in the past and sometimes with some success but eventually the weight returns. Recently L’s brother and SIL went to a doc here who worked with them. In 6 months, they’d lost a lot of weight. L thought that maybe he could do the same for her and had a couple of appointments with him to get started. I went with her yesterday and was impressed with his holistic approach. He didn’t say much that I hadn’t heard but I liked his approach. When I described this to M, she just complained about why L can’t just do this on her own. Why does she need help to lose weight and show some discipline? I should add that M is dieting a little too at the moment and the weight is going off with little effort. Anyway this is just one example of the b1tchy (for lack of any better word) way she can be. It is sad.

My college track couch once sent me a card when I was struggling to "not look back. You only look back if that is where you want to be." When I think of M, that really rings true. We aren’t the same people we were 20+ years ago and sometimes I wonder if the memory of what we had should have have remained there. That today’s realities taint what was something special.