you can say anything
it feels like it hasn’t been that long since i’ve written an entry because i’m always reading.
i don’t really know how to describe myself, my life, anymore. i am a very different person than i have ever been. i appreciate more, i guess. i couldn’t call myself depressed anymore. for the first time in my life, you could hold a gun to my head and i would say please, don’t shoot. i don’t picture my death with every tall building i pass. i don’t know exactly when this happened, if it’s just part of growing up. i honestly attribute some of it to my absolutely fantastic dog, who has taught me how to throw all my focus into a hike, into a game of tug a war, and just be happy in the moment.
but while my depression has subsided for the most part, my anxiety is at an all time high. the panic attacks, the nightmares, waking up sweaty with the weight of all this pressure…this part is not going well. it’s to the point where i’ve thought about medication but, among other things, the lack of health insurance makes me avoid that route entirely.
plus, life is just extraordinarily stressful/bad right now. this afternoon i’m going to get part of my cervix burned out because my last biopsy came back with grade 2 precancerous cells. so that’s fun, especially paying out of pocket. plus being awake for the procedure because there was absolutely no way i could afford anesthesia. then i’ve got at least a month of bleeding and not being able to use tampons plus no sex. sorry if it’s TMI, i haven’t told anyone besides dan and i just had to get it out somewhere because dan is impossible to talk to about anything personal and i wouldn’t have even told him if it wasn’t for, you know, the sex.
i start school again on tuesday and i cannot even put into words how terrified i am about that. last semester was the most stressed/busy i’ve been in my entire life and this semester i’ve got more clinical time plus 2 more classes than i did last semester. at night i lay awake thinking of all the ways i could screw up at clinical, all the ways i could hurt or KILL someone and i’m so scared i picked the wrong path yet again.
my only friend that i actually see, my gay boy who i’ve been friends with forever, is moving to nyc.
work is stressful too but i guess i’m used to that.
my relationship is…complicated. i need to talk about it but i don’t know what to say. i know he wants us to get married and on new year’s his drunk best friend said "2013, the year christina gets a ring on her finger!" and dan got mad at him. and we are perfectly matched in that we love doing all the same activites, eating the same foods, watching the same movies, our dogs are extremely bonded to each other and to both of us. i just feel like we’re not…close. like, i had so much trouble telling him about this health issue that i’m having that it took me 2 weeks. we talk about our problems with work, school, etc. but we don’t talk about our relationship at all, we don’t talk about sex so that’s frustrating and it makes me resentful towards it. we’ve been together for a year and a half and we have never had one fight. don’t people FIGHT when they’re in love? this is probably all due to my inability to get close to people but i’ve tried and tried and i just can’t fix it.
alright, time to go burn some cervical flesh…male readers, i’m really sorry.