The Father/Daughter Talk

There comes a time in every parent’s lives when they are forced to face the fact that their offspring are changing; slowly evolving, like Michael Jackson’s face, children stubbornly refuse to stay stagnant. For some reason that I don’t quite understand, my girls are determined to become teenagers. I thought that we had a good thing going, you know, with me playing the role of Anointed Holder of Life’s Experience(a-hole for short) and them basking in the glow of my infinite knowledge. Yes, it was a great arrangement, having my offspring come to me with furrowed brow, perplexed with an unfathomable question…and then me, setting their minds at ease by providing them with an answer to their quandary.

Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph. What’s with all of those big words? Who talks like that anyway? I think that I need a new keyboard or something.

Anyway, man, I miss those days when life was much simpler and my girls had the easy stuff to deal with…such as…

Daughter 1: Hey dad, why is the sky blue?

Wise Me: Well, it used to be fuchsia, but no one could spell that, so they changed it to blue.

Daughter 1: Wow, cool, dad. You are the best! (Okay, maybe she didn’t say that, but hey, there’s a lot to be said about the benefits of embellishment…damn! Big words again…stupid keyboard). Let’s move to Example 2.

Daughter 2: Hey, daddy-o, how come camels have humps?

Enlightened Me: Well, it’s a scientific fact that the camel’s humps are storage compartments.

Daughter 2: Really? What do they store…water?

Super Smart Me: Actually, the humps store gas, so if you see a camel raise it’s tail, look out!

Daughter 2: Well, at least camels give us some kind of warning…you on the other hand…

So, you can see how important that it is that parents stay up on all of the latest info to be prepared to dole out the right answers to light the paths of our children. But, there is a force out there working against us gurus of the household. A force that you cannot control. No matter how much you try to protect your kids, they are influenced by…now, stay calm…your kids are influenced by other kids. And these other kids say things that you don’t approve of. They teach your kids about things that you don’t feel they are old enough to know yet. My time of reckoning came this past weekend.

I was minding my own business, lounging on the couch and watching sports, when my daughters came and sat on each side of me. For a moment they were silent, not knowing how to begin.

Daughter 1: Hey dad, we need to talk to you.

Concerned Me: Now…in the middle of the game?

Daughter 2: Yeah, dad, now. It’s really important.

Father of the Year Me: Well, can’t it wait until the commercial?

Daughter 1 & 2: NO!

Submissive Me: Okay, okay, what is it?

Daughter 2: Well, some of our friends at school were telling us that we are old enough to…

Daughter 1: What she is saying is that it’s time that you realize that we are not little kids anymore and that we should have The Talk.

Panicking Me: (gulp) The Talk?

Daughter 2: Yeah, dad. It’s time that you teach us about, you know…

Petrified Me: (squeak!)

Daughter 1: Come on dad, you can do it. It’s time that you teach us how to use the remote control.

So, there it was! The dreaded event that I had been avoiding was now demanding attention. There was no other way out, so I took a deep breath and started showing them the ins and outs of successful channel surfing. I have to say that I was surprised at how easily the girls took to it. In no time they were switching channels with one hand and eating nachos with the other, just like their proud old poppa. They really have a knack for it. They still seem a bit confused about the whole ‘belching out loud and shamelessly scratching oneself’ maneuver, but I think that I am providing them with a good example in that department.

My advise to you dads out there is to remember that such things as passing the remote is a natural thing and not to get too uptight about it. It is a rite of life that every child goes through. They will be fine as long as they know that you are there supporting them. Of course, you may want to look into getting them their own televisions, just to make the transition less…competitive.

All in all, I think that the most successful parents are the ones who can raise their children into happy, well-adjusted adults, without ever revealing that they, the parents, really don’t have a clue as to what is going on. Seriously, great parenting is 10% nurturing and 90% bluffing.

So far, I think that I have been moderately triumphant in that endeavor.

Geeze…there’s those big words again. I gotta go and get a new keyboard. This one is freaking me out!

Take care.