The Little Dumber Boy…A Christmas Tale

The truth of the story belongs to the teller of the tale. In other words, embellishment of the facts may be used at the narrator’s discretion, or in my case, abused in an extremely gaudy fashion. So, with that in mind, here is my interpretation of the events…

I had prepared well for this year’s holiday shopping by reading ’The Power of Positive Thinking’, ’The Art of War’, and Playboy’s Christmas edition. I admit that last item may not be exactly what some consider to be proper reference material, but I actually found lots of useful advise from the ladies in the magazine. I especially liked Miss Mistletoe’s fabulous tips…her points were easy to see, I mean understand, and I admire the way that she handles herself in this potentially stressful time of the year. Ummm, yeah, I better move on now.

So, I arrived at the mall full of hope and humming along with my CD of The Benedictine Monks Christmas Chants(greatest hits volume of course). If you haven’t already, you should check out their ‘Live at the Filmore’ CD. Their versions of Back in Black and Stairway to Heaven are classics. Yeah, those are some righteous dudes alright.

Of course the mall parking lot was overflowing with anxious shoppers and I’m thinking that by the expressions on their faces that maybe some of them weren’t quite into the ‘Season’s Greetings’ mode just yet. A few of them did offer signs of encouragement to me by flashing a single-fingered hand signal when my truck ran out of gas and I left it parked in the middle of the row.

The hike to the main entrance was like trekking across the dangerous savanna. Once you leave the safety of your vehicle you are at the mercy of the other drivers who are either angrily trying to find a parking space of their own or desperately trying to get out of the swarming catacombs of Yule Tide madness. Like wildebeests migrating to and from the southern African plains, countless bodies were in motion. The real danger came when I reached the spot where the parking lot is separated from the mall entrance by a single lane. As the cars swam menacingly by like crocodiles waiting for the cautious victim to try to make it across, I spotted an enormous guy gauging the right moment to make a move toward reaching the other side. When he gathered his courage and plunged into the lane, I leapt also…onto his back. This action really enraged the guy, but he couldn’t stop to properly pummel me as an old lady in a maroon Delta 88 had him in her sights. When we reached the safety of the mall sidewalk I sprang from his back, called out Felice Navidad over my shoulder, then quickly disappeared into the crowd.

Now I am not a physics guru, but some things are obvious even to a slow-thinker like myself. There are specific scientific certainties that cannot be ignored. For instance, if you cram an infinite number of irritated, stressed out people into a finite space(such as a mall), then multiply in the ’sorry you waited so long in line, but we are out of the gift you were looking for’ factor, well, it doesn’t add up to a very favorable conclusion.

And that is what I endured on my shopping venture. I battled wall to wall crowds, haggard salespersons, and never being able to find the right gift. I ended up buying an interesting pair of water pipe bookends from Bongs R Us and a few prosthetic glass eyes from Limbs N Things. This, believe it or not, is a far better haul than last year. My daughters no doubt will be surprised at my noticeably improved purchasing skills.

So, maybe some of this tale has been modified in the re-telling(or is it retailing). And maybe the holidays aren’t as stressful as I insinuated. The main thing is to focus on the second part of this story, the part that I am too lazy to type. You know, the part where you are far from the grumbling mosh pit of the mall and instead are sitting among your cherished ones. Concentrate on the times of being with those that care the most for you and who give the priceless gift of their love. Remember to give thanks to the One above who, whether you believe it or not, keeps you close in His heart.

Most of all, to each and everyone of you that actually make it to the end of this entry, I want to wish you a happy and safe holiday season. And I pray that each and every day of the year has a little bit of Christmas in it for you.

Peace and blessings to you and yours…

Take care.