I screwed up.

I hate the path that my life has taken. This is not who I am supposed to be. This is not how it was supposed to turn out.

Today, well for the last few weeks really…the Lady that I have been more or less in a relationship with for the last year and three months…fought.

We fought over stupid shit because I am too boneheaded to just let go and trust her. But how does one not blame the new love for things that the old love did? How does one just simply say ok…and not think of the things that happened before.

We went from being together all the time, every day, every morning, every afternoon, every evening…almost every night…to rarely being together. Broken promises and ditched plans is what we had become. She wonders why I was so mad all the time.

Because you couldn’t keep our plans, but you could not break your plans with other guys…yeah…made me feel real important to you.

I said things today that I had no right to say….I said things today because I was angry…I said things today to hurt her.

To make her hate me….because…in the end…its better this way. It’s better that she hates me forever that the possibility that she loves me forever.

My life is complicated. I have a son to watch out for. How can I let him become close to somone that is a part of my life…what if he becomes attached to her…and then she just walks away from me…from us.

Why would I want to bring someone into my world? Just for a brief period of happiness…and then just to have her walk away from me?

Lady was amazing when we first started seeing one another….she was great…I wanted her to become a part of my life forever. I wanted to wake up beside her every morning, I wanted to come from work and ask her how her day was. I wanted to be able to have midday naps with her. I wanted her at my side for all the major milestones of my Son’s life.

I wanted to share it all with her.

And then the broken promised and ditched plans started.

I woke one night, I knew when I woke what was going to happen.

I knew when I woke and the midnight stars seemed to shine brightly in my bedroom window. Almost as if the stars themselves were saying: Now you know. Now you know what you must do.

After going back to sleep, I woke the next morning…knowing what I had to do…and I did not do it.

I lost possibly the best person that wanted to be a part of my life forever, all because I was being a bonehead.

Because…the walls that I spent years building up around me started to come down…and I got scared.

But, all because I am being a fool and pushing her away from me.

"Everything lost because of stupidity. Everything."
Rand al’Mawer, 2010