Land of the Lost becomes Confusion.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009. The long awaited, muchly anticipated verdict comes in from the Judge.

My world lately has been a messy jumble of sorts. Things moving in one direction when I need them to move in another direction. Up became sideways, over becomes here, down becomes right. It was…is….all over the place. Then the verdict comes in and everything scatters in every direction at once, all away from me. Away from my center.

The Mother of my child had been dening me my access with my Son, for two weeks she did this.

Then the verdict comes in.

Back in Janurary we had gone to trial in the Supreme Court, the highest court, for several things. Mainly, custody of our Son. She wanted sole custody, I wanted joint. Joint custody with shared residency. Meaning that I would have our Son 50% of the time, and she would have our Son the other 50% of the time. She wanted to be able to move away from here, move almost 2500 kilometers away.
She made nasty accusations about myself and my family. Said things on the stand that should have angered me to the very core of my being. But it did not anger me to the core. For three days we sat in that courtroom giving our evidence for our side. Defending myself against things that were not true. Against things that were true. Against her.
She tried to anger me on the stand while I was giving my evidence. She tried to make me upset so that I would become uncontrollable. She was not successful.

In the weeks that turned into months since the end of the Trial, she had become more and more unbearable. I had become more and more unbearable also. We were waiting for a verdict that could possibly allowe her to move away with my Son. With our Son. It had gotten to the point where we had both lost it on one another. We both said nasty things to each other. Then I had not seen my Son for two weeks. She kept him away from me.

She was confidant that she had won the Trial.
I was confidant that I had won the Trial.

When the verdict has arrived, it was one of us had won, the other had lost.

I wanted to be friends with her from the start of all this. I wanted to be able to talk with her, to see her without getting emotional. She was the Mother of my Son. While we were together, I woke one morning, looked at her sleeping form beside me and thought to myself "her she is, the woman that I want to marry."

That is long since gone. I have seen the true colors of her. I have seen the emptiness inside her, the deep darkness that lurks in us all.

I tried to be friends with her since the start, she resisted all my efforts to be friends. Never made the attempt to be friends.

When I had gone to do the transfer of our Son back to his Mother last night, she looked at me and started to cry. She wanted to talk. I pulled her close to me, gave her a one armed hug as I was still holding our Son with the other arm. She nestled her head against my shoulder and cried. She wanted to know if we could be friends. If it would at all be possible for us to get along. I looked her in the eyes and wanted to tell her that after everything that she had put me through, after all the lies that she spewed about me and my family, she wants us to be friends? I wanted to tell her no. It was never going to be possible for us to be friends after all that. And in the split second that all these thoughts were running through my mind, another thought dominated them all.

Yes. Yes it is possible to be friends with her. To be able to look passed it all, to see beyond the past and be friends.

I held her close to me and said thats what I have been trying to do since the start. Thats what I had wanted all along. Even if we were unable to be together, I wanted us to be able to parent our Son. She asked me if I would ever let her take our Son to see his extended family that is 2500 kilometers away. I asked her if she honestly thought I would never let her take him, she said yes. I told her that I would never deny our Son from getting to know his family. That was not who I am.

We had spent the next half hour talking. I hugged her before we parted ways for the night. In total, I hugged her four times. I told her that I never wanted the life that I had for our Son. I never wanted to be like my Father was to me about my Mother. I never wanted to pt our Son in the middle of our differences.

I never want to be anything like my Father. And in the end, no matter how hard I try not to be anything like him, I will always be like him in some ways.

On Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 the verdict came in.

I won.

~In the smallest of joys is the deepest sadness.~
Rand al’Mawer, 2009