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Was not sure if I would ever use this again honestly, though I was overjoyed to have it back.   Was honestly just waiting for them to add the download diary feature so that I could download all the things I had written and store them somewhere else.   If you look back past this you’ll see I wrote mostly in a form of prose, now that I’ve decided to make use of this again, I might do that once more, I might not.   Right now I just need some form of release, the same thing I used to look to this for so many years ago when I wrote in it then.   That said, time to vent.

Up until a little over a month and a week ago, I was happy.   Well, that’s not true, up until that point I was in a relationship.   The happy part of it had ended a few weeks before then.

Getting ahead of myself though, since I haven’t written here in a while, let me give a little backstory.   If you look back, you’ll probably see I was not exactly a happy person when I used to write in here.   Had my moments, but there were struggles at times.   I had learned to cope with a lot of those issues much better over the years, and even to be okay to a certain extent with being alone.  Not that I did not have relationships, but I was okay when they ended.  It was pretty casual, that is until my most recent one.  I fell, and I fell hard.   I’ve been in love before, but there’s never been anyone who I actually bought a ring for, who I could see myself raising children with.   I wanted all that with her, turns out that while she said she did she was lying.

Lying when she said she loved me, just showing me the person she thought I would want her to be.   All those days I spent with her in my arms, waking up beside her, they were all lies.   That person she pretended to be, doesn’t exist.   Things changed almost immediately when she moved in, nothing was wrong she would tell me.   I could tell something was wrong.   After a week she said things were not working out and that she was moving away.   So I had to watch her leave, of course I had picked up the ring by that point and had been planning to ask her to marry me the following day.  It was something we had talked about before, she wanted to marry me, asking her was a given, it was just a question of when.   At least she had said she wanted to.  She said she wanted to marry me, to raise children with me, to make a home with me.   Then she left and I had to watch her drive away.

Fast-forward to the following evening, she called and asked me if she could come back.   We would be together, but she still needed space to try and figure herself, but she’d be there.   I was hurting, but to even have a chance of being with her, I agreed.   She came home and things were odd to say the least.   She was distant and it barely felt like she was there at all, completely uncomfortable.   Like having a house guest that was just there and would occasionally sleep in my bed, too.   Though certainly wouldn’t hold me or touch me lovingly the same way she would have before.  A few weeks later she left again, with finality this time.  She said she didn’t love me anymore, that she only had platonic feelings for me.  The sad part of it was to me it actually felt like things were starting to get easier at that point, we were talking a little more for the last few days.   I had begun to hope again only to have her shatter that hope, and once more I had to watch her leave.

Backstory done, now I’m back to that dark place, I try to be okay like I was before, but I can’t get out of it.  People say that eventually I’ll take something useful away from the relationship, but I can’t see that.  I can’t see the light right now, just when I start to feel like I’m dragging myself out of this hole I’ve been in since she left, I fall back in.   I don’t know what to do, all I want is just to lie around and do nothing.   It’s an effort to get myself out of bed every morning and work, I don’t have the drive to do anything else.   I’m a wreck if I try to do anything else, feel like just lying down in the middle of the floor and curling up and lying there if I go out somewhere.  I hate this.