A Return

This is the strangest thing.

Me and my boyfriend are on the rocks. I’m resisting the bottle of vodka sitting on the table in front of me, which perhaps represents some kind of personal growth, and instead messaged a guy I knew years ago who still rattles into my head at times like this. Nothing terrible, just a ‘are you still on this email’ message. I doubt he’ll message back, it’s been four years since I last spoke to him. But I messaged him, none the less, from an old email account I haven’t used for ages.

Afterwards I noticed an email letting me know that OpenDiary was back up and running, and that I would be able to retrieve my old account and posts if I went onto the site page and clicked the relavant buttons. It took about an hour, but then- all my all posts, from ten to five years ago.

I had an account on here 17 years ago. Seventeen years ago.. the scale of that time period and all the changes and madness which have taken place still overwhelms me so much that I nearly lose my breath. I deleted the account when I was 20 and saved all my posts, mainly poetry, and then started another account when I was about 25, and that’s the one I’ve been able to retrieve.

The posts are mainly shitty poetry, but some of it still resonates. The first poem which is on here was from about ten years ago, called ‘psychosis.’ It’s so very strange for me to click back onto this site and read this poem. I don’t suffer with this ‘psychosis,’ any longer. I’m still a diagnosed schizophrenic, and I still suffer ‘symptoms,’ but this aspect of my condition faded out about four years ago.

I’m glad of this, it was an absolutely horrendous ordeal, every time it happened it scared the fear of God and all other-wordly forces into me. Anyway, that post was from about ten years ago, and then I jump to 2012 I think, when other symptoms were starting to make themselves present and I was with a man who was so very bad for me. There were two men, during that time period, who were both bad for me in different ways. Bizarrely I still have feelings of love for one of them- he didn’t mean to be bad for me, he was just unbelievably messed up and powerless to do anything about it. The other one was just as asshole.

So there’s a few poems about the one I loved, which are strange to read because my style and tone are so different from how I write now. The man I’m struggling with now, he makes me write in a different tone. Nearly everyone would say it was a much more positive tone, and I know that’s because it’s the truth. Yet for some reason I can’t connect with that anymore, it seems. In the last week something seems to have shifted, I’ve lost some element of hope. Or I just want to channel it elsewhere. I know this doesn’t make me a bitch, I’m just sick of feeling like a bitch.

Anyway. I’m not going to tell anyone about this diary, I’m going to keep it entirely for myself. I’m active on other sites, wordpress and twitter etc, but I’m going to keep this private.

It’s a really nice feeling, to have this, just for me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt that way about anything.

Till next time.