Ceasing to exist

Penn cheated on me.

I went to buy some jeans on sunday and got to talk to the cashier.  we found out that we had the same birthday,  which i always thought was neat to find someone with the smae birthday as me.  Penn also has the same birthday.  I got to talking about Penn and how we share a birthday and she said that she had been seeing a guy for the past few weeks that also has the same birthday, but that she was not going to see him again because hes super hung up on his ex.  Has a picture of her on the wall still and lots of her stuff around his house.  She said “and get this, his ex’s name is Twyla and my name is Kyla. its just too weird”

I said “… i have been seeing him for a year”  she said “Penn? youre seeing Penn?”

my heart hit the fucking floor.

She came out to buy me some drinks that night.  he almost showed up at the bar but when i didnt answer him, he messaged her to see what she was up to. he would have fucked her again that very night if she had given him the opportunity.

I went and got my stuff while he was at work the next day and left the key on the counter.  then I sent him a message and told him that I knew about Kyla and that his key was on the counter.  he asked if we could meet up and talk.  i agreed.

I went to his house and we cried and held each other for 7 hours.  it was beautiful and heartbreaking like you see in the movies

He asked me to come home.  i really want to more than anything in the world, but i know that i cant come home, it will never be home, i will never be able to sleep in the bed where he cheated on me with a girl that reminded him of his ex.

He needs to see a therapist, and i told him so.  hes got so much darkness to work through, he needs something and my love wasnt enough.  i forgive him for betraying me.  he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness but i cant keep that anger and hatred inside of me.  i know why he made the decision that he did and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the way his ex wounded him and then came back and threw acid into the wounds all over again. I despise her for how she manipulated him.  She doesn’t know what she had a hand in ruining so completely, but she didn’t cheat on me.

Im so distraught, i feel like im not alive.  i cant even write any more.

though, to be honest, writing this has helped.