new but not improved.

I’ve had I don’t know how many diaries here. The longest-running one was the most important and I met some real life friends and would-be-exes through it. But I don’t remember enough information to recover it, so I’m having to start this new one. It’s okay anyway. I downloaded it, so I can go back and read it. And this way, if one of those people were to join up, they won’t necessarily know this is me, and that’s probably better.

I think it’s worth the monthly fee as long as it sticks around. I’ve needed some place to write for a while now. I have things that I need to just get out of my head that I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. So I find myself vaguebooking, or posting and deleting right away. I just need a place to say it so it will be out of my head and I can move on. Hopefully.

Right now work is really overwhelming. Not because it should be, but because I procrastinate and self-sabotage. Home is also really overwhelming. I live alone with my two cats. I recently took in a feral cat who was pregnant. I gave 5 of the 6 kittens away and am waiting to give away the 6th whenever she learns to use the litter box all the time. She only does sometimes. So I currently have 4 cats in my apartment when I’m only allowed to have 2. Once I give the kitten away, I’ll still have 3 and I intend to keep all 3. Hiding that fact will bring added stress to my life. I also feed 3 feral cats outside, and my complex told me I have to stop. So I need to catch them and take them out to a friend’s farm, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that yet. I don’t even know why. Maybe I’m too lazy to get out and do it. Maybe I can’t stand the idea of losing them (been feeding them for 4 years). Maybe I’m really worried how they will handle being relocated. Mama, kitten, and one of mine need to see the vet for various reasons and I don’t have any money. I’ve been taking mama and the kittens to the vet often and I’m really low on funds. So… overwhelming.

I’m also still not over my breakup that happened 2 years ago last month. You’d think that would be long enough, but I never really got closure on why she left me and got married to someone else so quickly. She was my best friend and my girlfriend and then suddenly she was nothing. It’s hard to handle and it’s also hard on my ego. Like wtf is wrong with me, ya know.

Anyway, it feels good to write again. I’m off to figure out if there’s a profile page or something I need to fill out.