And that’s how I choose to remember it

For whom it may concern,

This should be the last time I write you.

Our relationship, if you could ever call it that was turbulent to say the least. I remember little parts of it, I try to forget the embarassing stuff, I try to relive the great things in my head but what usually sticks out the most is the shit you constantly put me through, even after you decided we were no longer an us. I’d like to be bloody right now, raw, naked on the cold tile of the bathroom floor with the water running- honest. But I can’t, I can’t ever tell you all the things I’d like because you always find an awful way to use it against me. So I’ll be brief…

I still think about you. Not in a pathetic, bright-eyed "will we ever be together again?" way because in all respects that is not what I want. I do think about how long we could have made things last if you hadn’t just lost your sanity on me. I think about how passionate I felt for you because you made me think about things in completely new ways. I think about how much more creative and free my mind was, about how well I was able to write and I think about our legends as they should be, dancing together in another life under a blue haze of smoke and a room filled with horns and old world jazz music. I think about how a proper correspondence coulda sparked some great feedback, some fantastic pieces for my future anthology. Most importantly I think about how my heart buh-buh-buh-buh-bumped when I saw you, heard your voice, read one of your letters, or reminicised on the great things you allowed us to have. I know it’s supposed to be this way, I’m supposed to go on living and eventually I will be able to look at my life knowing I’ve done wonderful things. I know for you, it’s so tiringly different. Your greatest abilities may never shine because of all the wasted bullshit you spend your mind and time on. I always hold hope in my heart that that’ll all change for you. I have to say you were essential to my growing up and realizing that people and relationships take work. You have also made me realize that most of the skeletons in my attic just keep apperaring themselves in my regular life and I hate it. The things you’ve made me feel have since sabotaged my ability to have a truly beautiful relationship with other people. I want to vanish all of the bad things you made me into and only keep the good stuff. I try to scrub all of those insecurities you put in my head off. But Adler, it never really works like that. For a moment in my history you were the greatest single asset I could have ever attained, the love of my stupid fucking life, a chapter in the history books, a cliched memory, a timebomb and I’ll love you for all of these things forever.

It’s not really about moving on, I’ve done all of that time and time again. This is just for me, this is personal and this is what I needed to say and to let you know. I appreciate you starting from the begining and getting to the end.

With rockets to the moon,
Danielle.