the dog that ate your birthday cake.

i’m seventeen today,
knowing from experience, i should have realized that today, above all days, i shouldn’t have expected anything less then horrific.

i wrote jalky a letter detailing the day, and, well, here it is.

“you can laugh if you want to:”

dear jalky,

today is my birthday. & what a shitty one at that, if not the worst. it’s no figure that i’m having an absolutely horrible day… because that’s what every november sevenths been like, for years now. this morning, a certain someone & myself were supposed to hang out and i spent over twenty bucks going all the way into the city, just so i could sit there alone for a couple of hours, and then, come back. do you know what a shitty feeling that is ? being alone on your birthday? i was trying to eat a bagel early this morning but i could because my appetite is gone lately. looking at food makes me want to puke. i get these really bad stomach aches and my hands start to shake. it’s not very pleasant. but, anyway, it’s not like my birthday holds any real significance but it’s just the point, you know, other days it would have still hurt but not this much. but really, what should i expect? you taught me that mr. christopher seidel, expect nothing from people and you will never get hurt (or you will not get as hurt.) it’s a tough thing to realize, but i thank you. so, after a telephone call in the bathroom stall at penn, i hung up and bawlled my eyes out. i cried a lot on the way home. my eyes are still burning, in fact. on the way to the train home, some guy was really fucking rude to me, i was just trying to make sure i was going in the right direction and he was like “well what the hell do you think ? do you think all of these people would be rushing down these steps for nothing ? have you ever been on a train alone ? ” it was really uncalled for and upsetting, so, what did i do ? i cried. and then, when kat called when i was on my way home and said she’d pick me up, i cried. and then when this very nice older woman who was sitting next to me on the way back home was getting off at her stop she says “i hope the rest of your day goes better.” and then, what the fuck did i do ? i cried. because really, this is my own fault.

now i’m home. and i’m going out with a bunch of people later because it’s kerri’s birthday too. kerri and i don’t really like each other and i really don’t want to go but if i stay home i’ll just think about how fucked up things always turn out and i really don’t feel like crying anymore. outside, i can atleast pretend to be in a good mood, you know. oh, i’m coming to visit you soon. at your grave, that’s all i’ve wanted for my birthday you know, my mom has been asking me what i have wanted and all i wanted to say was “jalky, jalky, jalky” but, come on, how silly would that sound ? anyway, nobody really talked to me like you talked to me. nobody really could ever replace you. err. so, with that, i’m going to go get dressed and pretend that everythings a-ok.

because everything is a – okay.

i miss you, xo.

sinceramente,

the overjoyed birthday girl.