composing hallelujah.

we have anniversaries like we are celebrating something digniful. but we are always meeting people and forgetting them, loving them and then finding a way to move out of love, or into strength, or however you want to phrase it, but it’s something big and it’s something new and it has nothing to do with those people because there they are, behind you, and you will grieve and days with pass but gradually things will even out and you might have those bad days but it won’t be until the six month mark, or the year to date of the tragedy you suffered that you will open up to grieving again. and you will pour salt on the wounds that you never meant to open in the first place.

I am not patriotic, i do not wear t-shirts commemorating america, i don’t own a flag, nor a bumper sticker labeling myself as “proud to be an american” , i don’t write ‘heartfelt’ poetry about the trials and tribulations this country has faced because of september eleventh, and i don’t plan on it. But just because I don’t do these things doesn’t mean i’m insensitive to those who have gone though and have been so close to real life terror. I watch cnn, just like everyone else. I wore my ribbon in school today, hell, i even help make them. I cry everytime I hear a story about someone’s mother or father going in to work and them coming to find out it was the last time they’d ever be able to hear their parents say “have a good day at school.” But I don’t know what to do, just like you don’t know what to do. In my case, I did not lose anyone directly from the attack(s) and I can try and sympathize , but I don’t know, and I probably won’t come to know that feeling in my lifetime. However, I did lose someone due to unecessary circumstances, which may or may have not been avoidable. I did and I still go through this suicide just as I did the days preceeding it, in shame and fear and sadness. But I don’t expect sympathy, I certainly don’t hope I, in any way, ask for it. I don’t need it just as much as anybody needs to give it. But, I almost feel guilty in a way, for still being upset about his death. And it’s only been three months. I mourn for the loses of thousands of americans that died in the terror attacks, and it’s alright, it’s exceptable. But, I will not allow myself to cry in front of my family about chris’ suicide, and I don’t know if I ever will.

So I get angry, and I get upset, and I become more of an introvert then ever and I shut everyone out and I get bitchy when they ask what’s wrong and I am an absolute mess to deal with for a certain [short] amount of time. I get annoyed and someone can come over and say “hey what’s up?” and I’ll snap at them, and i’ll make them feel like complete shit for the whole time they are talking to me. And I know it’s not their fault, it’s not really anybodies fault, but I suppose it’s just easier then letting it go, letting it affect me when the time is right. There might not ever be a ‘right’ time. There is just voids inbetween moments that need to be filled. and those are the times that take up most of your life. and those are the times you are most upset. and those are the times you live, in whichever reality you’ve come to terms with. the thing is, for me, i think we, as a whole in general, live in the shadow of those that we have loved that have come before us. and to make it up to them, or, to him personally for the times i wasn’t there, i really can’t do anything but recognize him, on the sixth month mark, or on the year to date, because it’s just more exceptable then. it isn’t so uncomfortable for everyone else. and as for the rest of the days of the year, i’ve got the lock on the door and the four walls and the pillow to cry into at night, and i’ve got to let that just be enough.