My Sex Life 101…

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The idea that my virginity was something that I “lost” does not set well with me. I know this term is used a lot, including by myself. However, I freely gave mine.  While I know it can be given only once the term lost seems to lessen what the experience was for me.
I was 16 and it was the summer after my junior year. I had decided to give up dating in high school because I found that the boys of that age were far too immature for me to like. Then, I met Matt. He was 19 and in college. I suppose I found him more mature. He seemed so wonderful to me.  I fell in “love” with him quickly. (love here meaning what I knew to be love at the time)
We met on the internet in 2000, and became physical rather quickly. I believe we kissed on the first date.
He introduced me to a whole lot of cool music in his little Mazda,  and even let me practice driving his car without a license.  He was a California boy with dark hair and brown eyes.
 I had always been curious about sex and really wanted to know what it felt like. I also wanted to wait for marriage. I don’t recall if he did or not.  Early in the relationship, about one month in, we decided we would get married to each other; that we were in fact the “one” for each other.
I lived on the lake at the time and my neighbors had a Gazebo near the shore line. I was always sneaking outside with him late at night after my parents went to sleep. He would park a little bit down the road then we’d meet in the backyard. One night, my curiosity got the best of me. We had been hanging out in my backyard as usual. I got it in my head that I wanted us to have sex that night. We were both virgins, in love, and planning on getting married. So I went inside and brought out a blanket. Matt had no idea what I was planning on. I lay the blanket on the wooden gazebo and we started making out underneath the stars. For me it did not feel romantic. It was so awkward!  It was not what I thought it would be like. I really somehow thought what I had seen in porn and the movies would be what it would be like. I was as you can imagine extremely disappointed. While it didn’t hurt, it did not feel very good either. I remember laying on the hard gazebo and feeling his weight on me and being self conscious being naked in front of someone.
Afterwards I felt guilty. I had let myself down. I intended to wait and I had not.  Matt and I never did get married. Our relationship continued for around a year and a couple of months and progressively got unhealthier as time went on. We had sex on multiple occasions. It got a little bit more enjoyable for me, but not by much. We broke it off the following summer.
While I have healed from this experience, and learned many life lessons about the pleasures and pain of sex outside of marriage I find myself at an unusual place in my life again. I’m back to where I started. I’m currently waiting to have sex inside of marriage. I now see sex as a beautiful commitment. Something extremely intimate that I don’t want to experience with just anyone. It’s value was lost on me for a very long time. I’ve been sexually abused and used, and used others for sex in the past ten years. I’ve realized that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. Why it’s taken me this long to “get it” I’m not sure. I suppose sometimes you have to learn things the hard way… No pun intended…