May the Best Man Win

And was there ever any question, really?

The night began a little shaky. In a single text, she blew me off and told me that she missed me. Well…I don’t know what to do with that. The blow-off, I can accept, but if those were genuine emotions hidden in the words after that…Well, I don’t deal with real emotions so well. I’m a bit weird about expression and attachment.

So, I moved on to familiar haunting grounds, instead, and I don’t know what was more fun: bedazzling “[your] girls” or demolishing you.

Don’t worry (because I know you will), I was nice this time, I swear (except to him…no, I pretty much wrecked his night).

Let’s skip the fun part and move straight to the fun part:

Most people enjoy the game. Flirting, chasing, teasing, frustrating. I enjoy picking the game apart. Sure, I’ll play it for a little while, but you have to know when to stick it out and when to scatter all the pieces. It’s a subtle art. Here, I’ll be candid for a moment (it’s been a candid kind of night).

Gentleman:
1) Pick an interesting major. No one cares that you know computer science. It’s not charming. No one talks in (computer) code.

2) Wear some sort of jewelry. Have an interesting story to go with it (or make one the fuck up, if you’re truly that shallow in the first place).

3) Identify the sober friend in the group. This is your new best friend. If you fail to impress this person, s/he is going to eventually pull your target aside and shoot you the hell down before you can even order a second round of drinks.

4) Be sober (enough), or at least learn to pretend. Sloppy drunk = not fucking attractive.

5) Your friends are fixtures to make you look like you’re not a predator. They’re treating you the same way. Know when it’s time to bail. They’ll understand and still be there the next day.

6) Grab your nuts, man up, and go for it. I don’t care if you’re looking for a one-night stand, a phone number, a hot date, or an eventual girlfriend. If you don’t cowboy up, someone else will, and your ass is going to be shit out of luck.

7) Stay out of my way. You won’t win. I do not play fair.

So, when I swooped in, you, sir, were fucked. You didn’t realize that I was planning ahead months ago. Look, so you’re in a relationship? Okay, be honest, be faithful. If I can do it, so can you. That said, it’s not wrong to talk to individuals of the opposite sex. Just don’t fucking sleep with them until your current relationship falls the fuck apart (and let’s be honest, it likely will). Then, think of how excited you’ll be that you don’t have to start from scratch. Fantastic, right?

To rub salt in the wound, I hung around for an hour after, feigning interest in your well-being, even offering you a ride home (a victory lap for me?). The girls left, and who looks like the good guy? Is it the drunkest asshole of the night (you, in case you got confused), or is it the guy who followed all the above-enumerated rules? I’ll let that sink in.

So, you said you don’t hate me; it’s just a competition. Hell, by the end, I had you shaking my hand and saying how glad you were to meet me (despite feeling differently at the beginning of the night).
I’m glad, too. You were such a useful tool.

On a real note, I did not take her home (also strategic; don’t worry your pretty little heads). I think I’ll try being nice to this one. For real.