Terminal

I’m trying really hard to just be normal, to put so very much behind me. She keeps bringing it back up. Is this the way it’s always going to be? She reminds me of what I’ve been, insinuating what I still am; therefore, I am.

I’ve been trying pretty hard, even if it doesn’t show just yet.

Would it be better if we just got this done and over (and what the hell does that mean)?
Every day, I get a little closer to figuring out why we keep each other around and why, like the ends of a rubber band pulled too tight, we snap back, clashing and collapsing into one another. Eventually, it has to break, you know? I thought it already had, but then we just started building tension again. It’s like we’re peeling layers off a rubber band ball and taking the strings out one by one. How big is this thing, exactly?

Yeah, I’m fucked up. Yeah, you’re fucked up, too. Surprise: together, we get really fucked up.

So, if we ever expect to have a functional friendship, it’s probably going to require the both of us admitting that we’ve seen the worst in each other, acknowledging the depths to which we sunk and dragged each other along, and then nodding silently whenever we stray towards those darker waters. We’re going to have to let it go. I don’t need a constant reminder of every sin I’ve ever committed; trust me, I know.

Now, the unanswered question here is still the same one with which we began: why do we keep coming back to this impasse?

I don’t know.
There’s nothing left to fix. There’s plenty left to forget.
Would you like to forget it with me?

Ryn: yes, and by early july those skies should clear so that I can fly there, and have that fish and chips with extra salt and vinegar in brown paper ;P

I assume the above entry relates to someone who keeps digging your past? Your OD past? If it’s so, then I guess it’s not easy for her to expect you’ve changed. In fact women cannot really be expected to accept things as true 100% of the time. There are always those dark voices in their left ears telling them to misjudge, disbelief, mistrust, and god knows what else. Sorry if I misinterpret the above entry. I’m just checking if my inner perception still works even at my ageing age. 🙂

Sprog

May 24, 2011

I know what you mean, I completely understand that feeling you’re describing with the elastic band metaphor. I think your summary is pretty much on the money. Nobody needs to constantly be reminded of their mistakes or flaws – but at the same time, everybody does make mistakes and have flaws! Sometimes I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes and I have so many flaws that there’s just no hope any more to be honest. I’d love to forget things with you – let’s disappear into a big empty area somewhere in cyberspace and just fester.

Ryn: I’m something like her too. My moods are so damn unpredictable that my hubby has to tread wearily at times…until he sees me smiling and laughing. It’s not a healthy attitude to have. I’ve tried to improve myself , bearing in mind that I pity my loved ones having to wonder will anything set me off. Though I’m not physical like hitting people (not my style) but my words can cut. I’m getting better now. I can understand how you feel. So nowadays if I feel my moods are gonna be dark, I will tell hubby in advance, so he’ll steer away from my path at home until I’m fine and laughing again… It’s hard living with people like me. It’s like having a time bomb around. But I’m okay now…

BadGrannie

Ahhh…situational amnesia sounds plenty fine. I, personally, tend to whollop those rubberband balls right out of the park. But, maybe you’ve more stamina for crusty paddies than I. Ryn; the mercy is for ourselves.