Emotions

One of the things that I’ve started to notice over the last few months is that I have become more attuned to my own emotions. I register them, and they don’t overwhelm me or terrify me – it’s strange, to say that I feel more distant from my emotions, but much more immersed in them, at the same time. I can feel the differences in their texture and their root – sadness at the world, sadness from grief, sadness from melancholy – all feel like very different things, even when I’m feeling them at the same time. The feelings that I would say – I don’t know what this feeling is – I can now name. Anxiety. Fear. Doubt. Love.

The strangest thing I think, is that I trust my emotions. I know they are transient, and delicate, and made of clouds and hormones, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong. It doesn’t mean that I’m a horrible person for acting on them, even as they ebb and flow like the tide. I’m human. I have feelings. I’m not afraid of them, anymore. I welcome them, because they let me know that… not only am I alive, but I can connect to others and the world around me.

This is…powerful and strange and I’m amazed that I lived for so many years at arms length from experiencing my emotions. I think I believed that if I gave myself over to them I would lose myself. Instead, I’m finding myself. And frankly, I’m kinda fucking awesome.

K.