And I Will Leave the House/ and Check the Deadlock Twice

When I made pot rice tonight, I forgot to add the broccoli. Which happens sometimes. I also completely forgot beans. Which never has.

And I will get lonely

Losing Henry has left me like a hard drive after a strong magnet. I forgot whether I get paid this week or next week. People who expect things from me at work ask me questions and it’s like I wasn’t even the one here last week.

And gasp for air

I was prepared for grief. I have a lot of experience with grief. I like to think I handle it well; knowing how to ride deeply through it without hanging up on the bottom too often or too long. Remembering how to come up for air and making myself do it. You can’t run from it. It’s not worth trying.

And send your name up from my lips
Like a signal flare

But here I am, out of sync and double blinking regularly. As though I am a doppelganger, new and squinting in a slightly shifted reality.

And button up my coat
Trying to stay strong
Spirit willing

Mister is right that we should wait to get a dog. I had planned to wait, anyway. It’s still a shock how profoundly true it is now that I’m in it. I never asked for my life back from the hounds. I never wanted to be free.

And I will come back home
Maybe call some friends

This is not how I expected.

And I will get lonely
And gasp for air
And look up at the high windows
And see your face up there
-The Mountain Goats