Pulling Back the Curtain

There is much I think I want to get off my chest right now.  Things I don’t really feel like I can say aloud to too many people, let alone type up in any other forum.  But since I know she doesn’t give a fuck what I really think anymore (which means she don’t read this space anymore…………so far as I can tell, but I guess this will be the true test of that), I’m setting up to fire away at that oh so wonderful roommate of mine, the lovely Shera.

This is likely to sound like simple complaining, but it’s more of a psychological profile, or something like that.  Perhaps it would be best to say that this is just me analyzing her and wondering what her motivations could be, or just trying to figure out what in the fuck is going on in her head from time to time.  That’s a difficult and scary proposition in itself, of course.  But never let it be said that I was a man to live in fear of such things.  All that said…in I dive…

The most recent thing I’d like to expound about is her job/school/life situation.  Those are the three things that cause her pretty much all of her stress.  She has 12 hours of classes, works 35-40 hours a week, and forces herself to have a social life.  Constantly, she complains about being exhausted.  She hates her job with a passion.  She isn’t enjoying school.  But she loves "acting her age," which, apparently, means going out and hanging out with stoners, drunks, and other various fun types, and her boyfriend, too, of course.  She’s thisclose to quitting her job because it saps up too much of her time.  She has to find another one, of course, because she’s on her own as far as paying for school and living expenses (minus what she doesn’t pay me) goes.  What gets me is this:  the job she is intent on finding is going to allow her nights and weekends off.  Keep in mind that she goes to school all five days during the week.  And she wants nights and weekends off.  She always complains about being broke now, so where the fuck is more money going to come from with this set up?

I posed to her the question last week of "what is the most important thing to you right now?" of the three major stressers.  Her response (predictably) was "having a social life."  So I told her to quit school.  If going out and having fun trumps both work and school…she shouldn’t be in school because her heart is not going to be in it at all.  But she said quitting school is not an option.  And obviously quitting working altogether is not an option.  So where does that leave us?  Hmmm….

Of course, when I even begin to mention the word, "sacrifice," I’m taken to task because I have no friends and I don’t think any form of a social life is important.  Or, in other words, I’m a completely reclusive dickhole who thinks there is no such thing as needing friends or going out and doing things (these are all her thoughts, by the way, not mine).  Nevermind that all I’ve ever done since I’ve met her is do anything on earth I possibly could to make her life just a little easier.  Obviously that doesn’t matter.

Which brings me to another point…

My contributions to her life mean nothing to her.  I’m never thanked.  I’m never shown any appreciation.  I’m barely ever shown any semblance of respect.  I’m not treated as a friend.  In fact, much of the time, I’m barely treated as an acquaintance.  It’s like I’ve done some horrible, awful thing to her when all I’ve ever done is try to help her and care about her (far more than she deserves, I might add).  In fact, it honestly seems like the greatest crime I’ve perpetrated against her is to continue to love her long past the time she gave a goddamn about me.  God knows she treats it as a crime.  It’s like I’m supposed to be able to just flip it off like a light switch.  Just because she can doesn’t mean anyone else can.  Wanna hear something ridiculous?  In the 14 months I’ve known her, I’ve heard her discuss marriage with FOUR different guys (Augie, myself, Clint, Chris).  She’s just known we were all going to be the right one…..at least until two of them cheated on her and she stopped giving a shit about one of them.  the fourth one?  Give it time…

She constantly seems to complain about how her "friends" don’t care anything at all about her (when I protest, she immediately dismisses that as "I wasn’t talking about you," which I tend to take as an insult for some reason).  But she doesn’t exactly treat them great either, as I can attest to.  She throws herself into her relationships to the point where other people disappear (as I can totally attest to….we’ve barely spoken, outside of her needing me to do something for her, in well over a week now, if not two).  And she sees absolutely no fault in this.

I’m to the point where I pretty much just regard her with a kind of mild neglect.  I know precisely when to expect to hear from her.  And I know that she needs me to do something for her if she calls me.  That’s pretty much all I am to her anymore.  And I know it’s my own fault for being there for her every whim for so long.  But there are ways to untrain people.  And you can bet your ass that’s what I’m working on doing with her.  And I honestly believe that we won’t be on speaking terms a year from now, barring some kind of major change in things.

And that’s perfectly fuckin’-a fine with me.

Sayonara.