Finding Contentment in Limbo
The whole idea of it has just kind of creeped up on me like a killer in a bad slasher flick (silently and inexplicably), but it’s there. And it’s true. But here it is: I am content with my life right now. Crazy, eh? It’s kind of hard to explain, really. As I said….it came about without me even really realizing it. And it makes no sense for me to feel this way, in truth. How can a person find contentment when there’s so much that’s just flat out up in the air right now? Let us review, shall we?
At work, I’ve found a home…a team that does exactly what it is I enjoy about working at Comcast. The Support Desk (as it is known) pretty much does nothing but take escalated internet troubleshooting calls (there are many other duties, like tracking outages, but I haven’t been taught that yet). That’s right up my alley. It’s the only thing I liked to do when I was out on the floor with everyone else. Sales? Billing? Fuck that. Give me HSI troubleshooting all day long, and I’m okay. Figuring out problems, y’know? Brain teasers motivate me, dammit. But my rambling point here is that there’s no guarantee as yet that I’ll get to keep this glorious new position I’ve been in for two weeks now. And I haven’t the foggiest idea when I’ll find out the yea or nay of it. No one’s talking. And thus, I have the spectre of possibly returning to the personal hell on earth that the regular floor was for me hanging over my head at all times. Indeed, I expect to end up back there because the level to which I enjoy the Support Desk just makes the whole thing too good to be true. And we know how that always goes for my ass.
Next up, my mode of transportation…
My car has spent the better part of three weeks in the shop now. Over two separate occasions. Currently, the people are searching for a replacement part. They’ve been searching for two weeks now. Since my car was, quite literally it seems, built to be "disposable," the part is no longer manufactured……thus I may have to purchase a new car. Again, with my luck….I will be having to do this soon. And all because I can’t pass the county emissions test with my check engine light on. And the replacement part has nothing to do with emissions. It’s the gear that turns the speedometer. Again. Currently, the gear is stripped………for the second time. Y’see, some genius asshole at Ford decided to make the gear out of plastic. Fucking plastic! For a high stress part! What kind of goddamn retard does that!? So, yes, new car on the horizon, most likely.
The third thing is probably the much more important one in the long term. It has to do with moving. Shera and I have picked out the apartment complex we want to live in, so it’ll only be a matter of time before we can get moved into it. A month or so is the hope, but no promises. But the trouble here comes more from those on the outside looking in. At every turn just about, my motivation for this has been questioned. Since I’m electing to pay the entirety of the rent, everyone seems to think I’m doing this simply to curry her favor, so to speak. People close to her (family, friends, whatever) even go so far as to think I’m doing this to try and make her want to be with me……that one day she’ll wake up and just want to be with me. They think I’m doing this because I’m madly in love with her and that I want to just do nice things for her, and buy her expensive things, until she just can’t refuse me, or something like that. In the interest of full disclosure, I am still in love with her (and she knows this, as she asked me point blank when we first started talking about moving in together), and that does play a part in all this. But it isn’t because I want to make her be with me. I’m doing this because I want more than anything for her to succeed with her plans for her life….for her to get where she wants to go….for her to be truly happy. I’ve told her for months and months now that her happiness is all that matters to me, whether it includes me or not. And, unlike everyone else who has ever told her that exact same thing, I truly mean it. Something I’ve realized in the last few months is that I would be completely happy to live out the rest of my life never loving another, so long as she’s around. No matter in what capacity. I’ve grown very comfortable in my role. Sure, I’ll never be on the same level as the boyfriend (that would be Clint….as they’ve grown pretty serious over time), but I know what I mean to her, and that she needs my friendship just as much as she needs anything else in her life. But it puts me in a spot that would be easy to mistake by others, I guess. I’m not in this to try and steal her away from him (not that I could), which, of course, he doesn’t really believe. Not that I blame him. What it comes down to is that, through her, I’ve found a purpose for myself. After having been dealt so much fucking bullshit in her life (that just continues to keep adding up by the week it seems), I want to do everything I can possibly do to make her life just a tiny bit better. And I don’t care what it does to me physically, financially, or emotionally. Her happiness and success has become my mission in life. I can’t really say it any plainer than that.
Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox: "Hate Me" by Blue October, "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin, and "For You" by Staind
I’m absolutely crawling out of my skin in anticipation for Spider-Man 3. Seriously, I haven’t been so excited to see a movie in a very, very long time. Actually, I know exactly how long. Since Revenge of the Sith. So that’s, what? Two years? Like I said….a very, very long time. I’ve rewatched the first two movies this week in preparation. Even now, the first movie stands as a goddamn certifiable classic. And I always think I say that because of how it ends between Peter and Mary Jane. It takes balls to do something like that for such a blockbuster movie, y’know? I admire it greatly……nevermind my penchant for downer romantic endings. Spider-Man 2 was a great movie, too, but it just didn’t quite measure up to the first one for me. Though I’ve never been able to really put my finger on why. Just something about it was a little off. Still great…just not a classic. The third has tons of potential. I just hope it doesn’t get wasted. I almost feel like it needs to be a three hour movie just to fit in all the potential main and subplots. I guess we’ll see how it turns out in a week. I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be retardedly let down, which is usually what happens when I let my anticipation get out of control.
Buying the Xbox360 has definitely proved to be a large mistake in the short term. I haven’t so much as turned it on in almost a month now, I guess. Then again, until a few days ago, I hadn’t really played games at all in about two weeks. i’m itching for a new Tales game to play….which, of course, won’t happen anytime soon. I’ll probably end up either trying to replay Tales of Legendia (though that’s daunting, clocking in at 66 hours completion time the first go ’round) or just killing time playing sports games until something else comes out. But I don’t know when that’ll be, either. There appears to be little on the horizon until damn near fall, when Blue Dragon come out in August and Mass Effect comes out in September (I already have them both reserved, for fuck’s sake….that’s how hard up I am for a good RPG). At least those two games give me a chance at being able to justify the purchase of the 360, if nothing else. And, hey, there’s always KOTOR 3, which was supposedly announced just a couple days ago by LucasArts, and is tentaively set for a mid-to-late 2008 release. Whoo! Yeah. It’s getting bad. Can you tell?
And I guess that’ll just about end up this rather lengthy pouring of information and ranting. Feels good to get some of it off the ol’ chest. And, as always with me, some of it was just horribly pointless. What would I be without the pointlessness? I wouldn’t be Dave, I know that much. And, goddammit, being Dave is all I’ve got. So there.
Sayonara.