So It’s Come to This…

At this point, I don’t really think there’s anything left for me to lose here.  I’m pretty goddamn sure I’ve lost it all already.  So I figure I might as well fire off every remaining salvo I have.  And why publicly?  Because it’s how I want to fucking do it.  That good enough for you?

That said…  This whole thing will be directed at one single person.  That would be you, Monica.  So listen up and listen well.

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I honestly don’t even know where to start.  And this is likely to end up about as scattered as anything I’ve ever said or written.  And that’s saying something coming from me, Sometimes King of the Scatter-brains.  But there is much I must say.  We shall see if it all manages to make it out in words.

I get that you’re pissed off at me for giving Shera the means by which to contact you.  And I get that what she said really got to you, for whatever reason.  But you’ve accused me of doing this without thought for what it would do to you, and that is not true.  I agonized over it for days.  It took her asking me at least a hundred times before I caved and decided to let her respond to your unprovoked assault on her.  I’m not sure if you ever realized it, by the way, but every single thing she put in quotations in that email were your words.  Direct quotes from your own hands.  So you certainly can’t accuse her of making that stuff up.  Yeah, she has some crazy theories about you and I that I have refuted time and time again, because I know better.  But much of what she had to say did, indeed, have merit.  I know you’ll never see it, but it’s true.

Now then.  On to you and me.  Obviously you aren’t going to believe this, but I’ll say it anyway…  I defended you to Shera until I was blue in the face.  I explained everything to her any and every way I could possibly think of.  Every time she bad-mouthed you, I defended you.  I stuck up for you.  I told her she just couldn’t understand because she wasn’t there in the middle of things.  But much like myself, and you too, she’s quite stubborn and hard-headed.  She had her opinion and stuck to it.  And that’s fine.  Everyone is entitled to that.  And, while I’m at it, I’ll also tell you that I did, indeed, stick up for Shera to you.  But you weren’t willing to listen.  It always turned into you telling me how stupid I was being or that it was all wrong, and I didn’t know what was best for me.  So it wasn’t that I didn’t try to defend her…..it was that you didn’t want me to, and, thus, didn’t listen when I did.

Anyway.

The last thing I want to ever hear come out of your mouth to me is a complaint that I chose Shera over you (and even Will).  You have absolutely no right to say that to me.  It would ring as hollow as a fucking bass drum.  You know why?  Because you and Will chose each other over me a long fucking time ago.  If I weren’t such an understanding person, I never would have forgiven either of you.  And that’s what it was……I made myself FORGIVE you both.  I had enough scars on me from you.  I didn’t need anymore.  Yeah, that’s right.  You left scars on me.  Some deep ones.  I know you like to think you didn’t……but you did.  And, yeah, I know you have some from me.  But you never felt the same depth of romantic love for me that I felt for you.  There was a time in my life that I truly believed that you were the one.  I know I wasn’t that for you.  So it was never the same on your end.  It cut to the core of me to realize I was wrong about you and I back then.  And it took a long time for me to heal from it.

I’ve sometimes thought you just wanted to pretend that our past didn’t happen…..but I think I know now that it just wasn’t the same past for you that it was for me.  So it didn’t seem like such a big deal for you like it was for me.  And that is no fault of your own.  That’s purely on my shoulders.  And it was part of the reason I was able to forgive you every time.

But this time is different.  I’m not sure I can do that this time.  I know you were trying to give me the best advice you could as my friend, and that you were worried I was doing the wrong thing.  But just because I don’t follow your advice, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening to it.  It doesn’t mean I was tossing it aside like a parking ticket.  It just means I didn’t agree with it.  And if that’s enough to make me a lost cause, then so be it.  But I think that if you were truly my friend…..you would really try to understand where I’m coming from.

And here’s where that is……

I love Shera with everything I have.  And she loves me the same.  We are the epitome of two peas in a pod.  Our brains function on such a similar wavelength that it scares the both of us.  But we’ve also done stupid things to each other.  I’ve said mean, horrible things to her, and she’s done and said things that hurt me back.  But it doesn’t change the fact that we love each other very dearly.  We are the most important person in each other’s life.  And, yeah, we’re not quite what I want us to be right now……but she’s still very young.  She needs to be allowed to live her youth without me hounding her for a relationship every step of the way.  She’s been through more than her share of trauma in her life.  Way more than her share.  So what she needs is a stabilizing force in her life.  She needs a rock.  And that’s where I come in.  If anything at all is wrong, she calls me.  If she needs help with anything, she calls me.  If she’s thrilled about something, she calls me.  We hang out when we can.  I come first in her life, and she in mine.  Yeah, it sometimes eats at me that she dates around, but I also know (and she’s told me many times over) that no other guy will ever beat me out.  I will always come first.  If someone tries to force her to choose between them or me…..it’s always going to be me.  Every time, without fail.  And I don’t just believe that…..I fucking know it.  It’s a fact.  So, knowing that, I’m willing to let her be free and be young.  I know I didn’t want to be tied down at 18, so why the fuck should she?  Just because we’ve found each other doesn’t mean we have to be completely serious all at once.  There’s always time for that later.

And if that makes me an idiot who is content to consciously dig myself a hole I can’t get out of……..then so fucking be it.

And if you think all this is worth giving up on me over…….then so fucking be that, too.  Don’t look for me to stop you.

So, with that, I am done.

Sayonara.