Fucking Prove It
There are only a certain number of times that someone can just hear the words before they wonder if there is actually any truth to them. For me, the words, "I miss you, Dave," are becoming just that. Every time I hear them, I just want to fire back with, "Yeah? Well…..fucking prove it." I’ll hear them a few times in a week (if I’m lucky, of course), but there will only be once where the words are given any creedence. Though, usually (of late), the time spent trying to alleviate the sentiments of those words lasts 30-45 minutes (again, if I’m lucky). And that’s in the span of a week. Yeah. That’s routinely become all I get. So you may just be able to see how it is that I can get angry.
The ultimate irony came to the fore earlier this week. It was so bad that I was, quite literally, chewing on my tongue instead of just biting it. I was telling a couple of stories about myself and Tammy (one of the managers at work that I once had a little bit of a thing for…..which I’m still paying for, by the way) to Shera. And the stories were completely and utterly inocuous. Like, just work stuff, y’know? Out of nowhere, Shera then says to me, "Well, I’m pretty sick of hearing about Tammy." Implying that I still have a thing for her, obviously. I couldn’t believe my fuckin’ ears. Seriously, just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. As I chewed on my tongue, Shera said what I was thinking…..about how I have to hear about her and Clint every single day, so she had no room to talk. At least she (eventually) realized it. And since she seems to hang out with Clint 3-4 times a week at least…well….I have to hear about quite a bit. And, as I said before………I’m lucky if I can get more than 30 minutes a week.
There was once a time when she made a point to spend equal time with all her interests. And that was okay. As long as I got my time with her, I was okay. But now? She doesn’t even try. For weeks, I’ve set up my work schedule around her work and school just to try and make some built in hang out time. But I get nothing. Well…I take that back. I did get her to go see a movie with me on Tuesday, but she was horribly distant the whole time (understandably so, though…..she’d just been told earlier that day that there’s a small chance she could have cervical cancer……so I get that……though it doesn’t make it hurt me any less). I was so distraught about it that I was visibly fighting off an out and out crying fit right in the middle of Kroger.
But, yes. I’m exceedingly lucky if I get to hang out with her at all anymore. But she says she misses me. I’m starting to not believe it so much anymore. It’s like she just doesn’t want to hang out with me. I haven’t been invited back to her house since the party (a month and a half ago). She hasn’t been to my apartment in a few weeks. And, like I said, I build in chances for it. On Tuesday and Thursday, she gets out of school at 2pm, so I will schedule myself to get off work then, too. Everytime I suggest hanging out, I am rebuffed. There’s always something else to do. I get blown off for anything and everything. And I’m not allowed to complain about it. Even thought it could involve zero extra driving on her part on those two days to hang out at my place, she refuses on the basis of extra driving sometimes. That drives me up the fucking wall. If I complain, I’m made to feel like an idiot because she’ll get all pissed off and say, "Well, of course I want to hang out with you, David. I just don’t have time to do all that driving. You know that. You just live too far away." Nevermind that it never stopped her before. Nevermind that I’d be willing to do all the driving. None of that matters.
At this very moment, she’s at Clint’s house eating dinner after having gotten off work. Of course, she made a point to tell me she missed me and that we need to hang out one day next week (my hopes, they are not up). I don’t know. I guess my point in all this is that, if she really, really wanted to hang out with me like she says………she would make fucking time for it. Like she used to. Like I still do for her.
Last night, she was hanging out with Clint (though I don’t envy him, as she was in a very, very foul disposition all evening…..bit my head off repeatedly, even when I was just trying to help). And she did something completely unconscionable. She took him into Sears. Which means, people that know us both (and are under the impression that we’re dating……because since she got so pissed at me for talking to people about her, I don’t anymore, so now they just assume it’s true because they’ve seen us together a few times, and they knew what was going on before) saw her going around with another guy. She talked to two people who I know will come to me and ask me what the hell is going on, Tammy being one of them (Shera likes Tammy, but just hates to hear me talk about her…….go figure). So I ripped into Shera a little bit about how, now, I get to either lie my ass off, or do the thing she asked me to stop doing: talking to people about her. Because I know there will be people asking. God dammit. She doesn’t think about the repercussions of her actions on me at all. It’s like I cease to exist to her when I’m not around or she’s not on the phone with me. And it kills me.
She has told me a few times that she could lose Clint and be fine with that, but that it would kill her to lose me. All I can even try to say to that is…………………………..Fucking Prove It.
Sayonara.