Drunk Shera vs. Jealous Dave

This was (well, still is, I guess, as it is as yet unresolved) a battle between two of the most uncontrollable forces I’ve ever seen:  my jealousy, and Shera’s drunkenness.  And my God did it get ugly by the end of the night.  And it was all with the interjection of one statement, and one person.  To explain…

Last night, Shera’s parents hosted a party at their house.  They get bands to come play (they have quite musically gifted friends, I must say), they invite tons of people, and everyone gets drunk and/or high.  Shera’s been looking forward to this for weeks upon weeks, because she desperately wanted the opportunity to get drunk and have fun (immaturity alert!).  Knowing how it could go, especially knowing that almost all of Shera’s male friends are ex-boyfriends who still want to fuck her, there was no way I was going to not attend this party.  And there was no way I was going to let her out of my sight for two minutes.  She gave me the disclaimer a few nights ago in the midst of a rather large "discussion" (okay, it was a fight….that’s all there is to it).  The disclaimer was that, while drunk, she could not be held responsible for her actions.  Any of them.  No matter what they were.  Anything at all.  Reading between the lines, I asked her if that included sex with someone else.  And she said it did.  Well, at that point, I lost it.  I went on a rant about how much that hurt me to hear, and she shot back with how it hurts her that (she thinks) I’m not sexually attracted to her……which is the biggest bunch of shit in history.  So, the next day, I gave her the Jealous Dave disclaimer, that I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions while observing any of Drunk Shera’s activities.  It seems, however, that my disclaimer was rejected.  And that I was forced to abide by hers.  Again, to explain….

While the first band played (comprised of three of her friends from her pot smoking days…..she’s dated two of them, and all three want her badly), I was fine.  I was standing close by, watching her have a good time.  And when she got tired or jumping around, she would come sit on my lap.  No problems here at all.  She’s having fun, and my emotional neediness is being fulfilled because she was paying attention to me intermittently.  That was fine.  It was what I expected.  When they finished playing, I started to disappear from her vision so she could hang out with them and talk to them.  Again, that’s okay.  They all knew why I was standing there closeby with arms crossed and stern looks on my face to them.  Only one of them persisted in touching her too much (the only one she hadn’t dated yet….imagine that).  But even that I was okay with.  But then she started talking about some other guy, a friend I wasn’t aware of, showing up.  It doesn’t help that his number is in her phone under the name of "Cute Josh."  Once he arrived…..I vanished completely from her vision.  I continued to protectively follow her around at every step, but gradually, I grew more and more pissed off because Josh started to get all her attention.  She wasn’t doing anything too bad, really.  Mostly she was just talking to him and playfully touching him.  And then I made my one, true, mistake.  I told Shera’s mom, world’s worst at keeping secrets, that I was ceasing to exist (she also had warned me I wouldn’t be happy with how Drunk Shera would act).  She told Shera, who walked over to me and apologized.  Then came the statement that started me down the hill to true pissed offedness.  "Technically, I’m still single, so, technically, I’m not doing anything wrong at all."

I get that she and I have never officially become a couple.  I do get it.  But even then, when you continuously tell someone you love them…….that implies some manner of commitment, doesn’t it?  So the first thing I thought, and perhaps should’ve said, was, "Well, technically you are doing something wrong……you’re fucking leading me on."  But I bit my tongue.  Afterwards, the ignoring of me only intensified.  We all three (myself, Shera, Josh) sat outside in the cold listening to music amongst the dwindling crowd.  Shera and Josh were just talking it up, having a great time.  Meanwhile, I just sat there fuming.  All I got for about 45 minutes was a whisper of, "I’m sorry," and an angry, "David….calm down.  If you’re going to be like this……." when I started to bounce my legs in my normal hyperactive fashion.  Then we all went inside, and it got even worse.  I openly chose to make her choose which of us to sit with in the living room.  When she sat down on the couch next to Josh…….I mentally lost it.  I just sat there and started at her……observing her.  And she never gave me even a look until he left the room.  She again mouthed, "I’m sorry" to me.  To which I said, "No you’re not."  "What’s that supposed to mean?"  Then I finally voiced what I’d been thinking for the last hour, "I’m fucking sitting here watching myself be replaced."  And I truly felt like I was.  Watching her and Josh, I saw Shera and I from a few months ago.  It was exactly the same behavior on her part.  I told her to tell me I was wrong if that wasn’t what was going on, and she told me I was wrong, which I still think is fucking bullshit.  Then, though, I made the biggest mistake of the night, easily.  I told her that being ignored, and watching her with Josh made me feel like she didn’t feel anything for me, and that, perhaps, she’d never really loved me at all.  Once the words came out, I knew I shouldn’t have said them.  But I wanted her to hurt, too.  Her only excuse was, "Well, I told you it was going to be like this.  I’m drunk!"  Which she wasn’t anymore.  I told her it wasn’t what she’d done while drunk that was bothering me at all.  I’d been fine with that.  It was this shit with Josh that was killing me.  At that point, she asked me to leave, but then stopped me as I immediately started to get up.  Part of her wanted me to stay, but part of her wanted me to go.  And I didn’t want to leave, mostly for protective reasons at that point.  We went outside and talked by my car, she cried, I apologized profusely.  We agreed that today would determine whether or not "we" (whatever we there is, since we were never "technically" a couple….which, by the way, was not my doing……that was all her, but she throws it in my face like it’s my fault) would be fine.  She said she’d call me in the morning.  And, well, it’s noon now, and still nothing.

Soon as I get done here, I’m calling her.  We’ll see if she even answers it.  She was afraid last night that I was going to yell at her today.  And, truthfully, I dunno how I’ll act.  I’ve been awake since seven this morning, and I’ve gone back and forth over and over between profusely apologetic and indignantly angry.  And I’m not sure which one will win out.  What I have started to believe, though, is that she and I won’t ever work properly.  I can’t be who she needs me to be (an emotional doormat, but physically aggressive and protective), and she can’t be who I need her to be (giving to my emotional neediness and hopelessly devoted to me).  I don’t see these things happening.  And I don’t know what’s going to happen here in a few minutes.

Only one way to find out…

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "Falls Apart" by Hurt, "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin, and "Santeria" by Sublime

Sayonara.