Bursting at the Seams

Time certainly does like to get away from me in chunks right now.  I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since last I wrote.  I guess when things are going well, you don’t notice the passage of time so much.  It’s much easier, I guess.  Something like that.  Am I even making sense?  Who knows.  Certianly not I.  Anyway.  Onward, ho!

Despite how well things are going with Shera, it was inevitable that cracks would develop and that all would cease to be 100% harmonious, 100% of the time.  Parts of me that she hadn’t seen yet have begun to show through much more often, and in much more venomous tones sometimes.  I get really pissed off when she pauses in mid-conversation with me (on the phone, I mean) to check a text message from Augie.  A few nights ago, we were having a particularly important conversation (in which I admitted I was like a shy 14 year old when it comes to the more physical aspects of a relationship……due to my own past, but also to the obstacles her past creates for me there), and she kept pausing or telling me to hang on so she could text message him back.  I tried really hard to contain my out and out anger at the situation, but it was futile.  She asked me if it was bothering me, and I told her that what really bothered me was that, when she’s with me, Augie is not a hidden commodity.  But when she’s with Augie, I am not to be mentioned.  I am not to be texted.  I am not to be called.  I am a forbidden subject.  He doesn’t even speak my name to her.  I’m referred to only as HIM (and, yet, at work he and I still pal around like nothing happened……it’s kind of weird, actually….but that’s another story for another day).  I know this is done to keep him from yelling at her, but it is growing more annoying to me by the day.  Terribly so.  It shouldn’t bother me, because she spends practically no time with him.  But that she feels the need to lie to him about being with me, or talking to me, is getting fucking old.  I know I always told her I would never pressure her to make a choice, and that I wanted her to come to a decision on her own terms……I’m getting a little (just a teeny bit) antsy.  There doesn’t seem to even be a decision to be made, honestly.  I know she says part of her still loves him, but she dreads talking to him, she doesn’t want to spend time with him, and he just annoys her.  What’s the fucking holdup, y’know?

Saturday night, Shera got her first really good, up close look at Jealous Dave.  In his full glory, I mean.  She was at home and some of her old high school friends were there partying (her house has always been party central, even if she wasn’t participating).  All I kept hearing was how two of them both regretted ever breaking up with her (yeah, a lot of her friends are ex-boyfriends….does not bode well, I’m aware), and that they were both wishing to have sex with her (not that she would, but it was that they wanted to, and were a little more than passively trying).  Then she told me that she’d told them she was single.  That pissed me off.  I know that we’ve never established that we’re actually together, but seriously….how could we not be considered a couple?  Her family tells her the same thing.  And in my head and heart, we’re together.  Not in hers, though…."technically." (her word, not mine).  And that bugs the ever-loving piss out of me.

Then there’s the paranoid belief she has stuck in her head that I’m just using her as a placeholder.  That I’m just with her until something better comes along.  Or that I’m just with her because what I really want is unattainable.  She says she thinks that because of the way I talk about a few other females (ones at work, no less).  And yet, I don’t get to complain when she tells of the many, many stories about ex-boyfriends, including the one she still (STILL!) refers to as, "The Love of My Life."  But far be it for me to mention any ex I may have.  Oh, God.  Then it turns into a fucking pout-fest.  And I know that’s just her low self-esteem coming to the fore.  But I can’t even work on that, because she told me she can’t use any compliments I give her to build it back up because she’s convinced I’m going to leave her for someone "better" as soon as I find ’em.  Now how in the fuck can I disprove that?  Only time can disprove that, right?  That’s what I keep telling her.  There isn’t anyone else I want but her.  Why can’t she see that?

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "Call Me When You’re Sober" by Evanescence (this song is so Shera’s song for Augie….if you wonder what they’re like with each other, that song sums it up perfectly…..and the irony is that Augie thinks the song is fucking awesome, but that’s mostly because he has an Amy Lee fetish), "Rain" by Lennon, and "Lithium" by Evanescence

Yes, I’ve heard the new Evanescence CD.  Yes, it’s fucking amazing.  Yes, I’m listening to it right now (again).

Finally, after months of waiting, I’ll have some new video games to play within the next month or so.  In a couple of days, Baten Kaitos Origins comes out for the Gamecube.  I’ll definitely be picking that one up.  Been looking forward to it for a good long while.  It’s a prequel to the first game, and I expect the same high level of story-telling.  On October 10, Tales of the Abyss will release for the PS2.  I’ve been looking forward to this game for maybe not as long, but far more fervently.  I absolutely love the Tales games.  Well, all the ones I’ve played anyway.  The stories are epic, the combat is grand……just the experience as a whole is amazing.  Love it.  I’ll be reserving that the same day I pick up BK Origins.  There’s also Rogue Galaxy and Final Fantasy XII to look forward to.  Ah…..the joy of getting to play new RPG’s again.  I haven’t had the chance since I finished Skies of Arcadia Legends a couple of months ago.  I may even decide to check out Valkyrie Profile 2:  Silmeria at some point, too.  It sounds interesting, for sure.  Why do all the good games, movies, and music come out in the fall?  Damn you holiday shopping corridor!

I guess that’ll about do it.  If nothing else, it was good to get all the negativity out of me where Shera is concerned.  I don’t want to take it out on her.  She’s not having an easy go right now, what with working nearly 40 hours a week and going to college……not to mention trying to balance myself, and occasionally Augie, in there, too.  Just a ton of stress.  No one deserves that.  Especiallynot a drama queen like Shera can be.  But I love her, and I’ll continue to do anything I can to help her through it.

Sayonara.