A Twisting Road to Limbo

I currently need an activity to occupy my mind, so I figured, "Why not provide an update?"  Seems like a good way to kill some time, while also keeping my mind from doing nothing but worrying.  Which it’s been doing for around about an hour and a half now.  And, as you well know by now, I’ll get to that.  In fact,  I’ll get to it in a half second.  Then I’ll go backwards and spill forth all the stuff since last time I excreted lime green text.

Currently, I’m worried because Shera is at Augie’s house (as far as I know).  I left work today at about 3:30, and Shera called me when she left at four.  She said she was on her way over to his house to either end it completely, or to try and save it.  She asked me to try as hard as I could to be objective and tell her what I think she should do.  I told her she simply had to ask herself two questions:  First, what would make her happy ("To be with you," she told me before I even finished…..which I thoroughly enjoyed).  Secondly, and (I thought) most importantly, did she think her relationship with Augie was worth saving.  She wasn’t sure (which, to me, says it isn’t…..I think it’s the kind of thing you should know without hesitating…..but, again, that’s just me, and I’m being selfish here).  She got to his house around 4:30.  So here we are at exactly eight of the clock in the evening, and I’ve yet to hear a word from her.  So, yeah…..I’m starting to worry.  And it’s a twofold worry (because I can’t even make things simple).  I’m worried that he has or will physically hurt her, but I’m even more worried that she’s decided to make another go of it with him.  Nevermind that the latter would defy all I’ve heard come out of her mouth in the last six days (is that all it’s been?  yikes).

But allow me to rewind to Sunday.

Given the choice of seeing a movie with her or going to her house (and, thus, having to meet her parents and brother……..who don’t know how old I am at all, and will probably have to be lied to about it when/if it does come around), I chose the movie.  Even if it was Barnyard.  Yeah, I know.  To me, it speaks volumes that I was willing to stoop to such low levels of cinema.  Nevermind that I enjoyed it, though I maintain it’s just because I was with her, which, of course, she disagrees with.  Hours later, at the end of the night, she was crying to me in her car about how she just didn’t know what to do and how torn she was about the whole thing.  She feels like shit because we all pretty much know Augie has cheated on her (with a disgusting alternative, no less…..fuckin’ retard) and treats Shera like shit, but all she’s done is be more than a fantastic girlfriend (and Augie admitted she was as well).  And then………………………………………

(hold that thought……..she’s calling me now……………………………)…..and a half hour later, I can only say the status quo is intact.  Ugh.  This grows tiresome and frustrating.  Dump the fucker already!  Ahem.  Anyway.  Where was I?

Oh, right.  During her crying spell, the asshole security guard/rent-a-cop patrolling the movie theater parking lot interjects and forces us to leave (which meant splitting up for the night) since we’re already done watching the movie we came to see.  I wanted to drive past him as I was leaving and tell him that if she died on her way home because she was crying that it would be on his head.  But I decided not to, because she would’ve killed me for it.

Once we both got home, it was more phone time. Eventually, we both fell asleep still on the phone.

Work Monday would prove to be awkward because Augie had decided he was going to work someone else’s shift.  I knew it was because of the problems he and Shera were having, but he had no idea I knew.  And he said nothing to me about it.  But he looked like hell.  And I felt bad for him……for what I was doing to him.  But I didn’t care.  I honestly didn’t care.  I felt (well, still feel) like he’s had his chance with her, and he royally fucked it up, so it’s someone else’s turn (as in, MINE).  That afternoon, Shera decided to tell Augie that she had a thing for me (but not anything about our hanging out, etc.), but she also told him that I didn’t know about how she felt towards me.  That I was clueless.  Essentially, she threw herself under the bus for me.  Not an hour after she told me about it, Augie called me.  Seeing his name on the caller ID was a little, "Oh, shit!" moment.  I didn’t know what to expect.  That’s when he dropped the bombshell on me and told me what Shera had said to him about liking me.  I had to act shocked, of course (and I did a damn fine job of it, if I do say so my damn self).  And he said stuff to me about how he wasn’t mad at me for it, that part of him thought maybe she’d be better off with me, and that he would not hate me if that did happen.  At that point, I was like, "YES!  I’ve been given permission!"  Of course, I had to play it both ways, though.  I told him that part of me wouldn’t do that to him (nevermind that I kind of already was), but that part of me would want to see where it would go because someone like her doesn’t come around too often.  And he said he understood.  Shera, of course, was freaked out when I told her all this.  It was just the complete opposite thing anyone would ever expect Augie to do (which is obvious, I guess, given all the collective shock over it).

But "New Augie" only lasted a few hours.  A little after midnight, he called Shera……..and was drunker than a fucking hobo at Oktoberfest.  He was yelling, ranting, raving, threatening, apologizing……..just generally rambling incoherently.  It proved that everything he’d said to me earlier that day was fucking bullshit.  Nevermind that it scared the everloving fuck out of Shera, and, by extension, myself.  But, to calm him, she’d promised him she’d stay with him Tuesday night.

Tuesday sucked balls at work.  Augie was two hours late (and obviously still drunk when I showed up fifteen minutes after him).  He came to me and talked to me about how he wanted to work it out with Shera so badly and asked me if I would go to her and try to convince her to stay with him.  Then he asked me what he should do about her.  I told him that he had to keep showing her how much he cared, and that he couldn’t give up fighting for it (I had to encourage him, otherwise he would’ve been on me like fuckin’ white on rice watching me to make sure I wasn’t going around her……..I know how the man thinks).  He also said to me that he didn’t mind if Shera and I would "really close friends," but he didn’t want to see it progress past that at all (nevermind that it was already too late for that…….all this damn playing both sides shit……ugh…..).  They argued all day at work by text message back and forth about Zod only knows what.  When I left at about 3:45, as far as I knew, she was staying with him that night, just as promised.  But when I was about halfway home, she called me.  The first words out of her mouth were, "I need you right now, Dave.  I need to see you."  So we met up and ended up back here at my ever so humble home.  And it was just another in a series of those times that proved exactly how good we would be together, if given the chance.  Everything about us just seems so right.  She’s so much obviously happier when I’m around, and even just when my name is mentioned (I’m told).  I guess what I mean is that it’s obvious to everyone but her exactly how this should all turn out.  Despite how much of a great time we always have………she still has a part of her that wants to go back to Augie…….even though she knows he won’t change, that he’ll still yell, that he’ll still cheat, that he’ll still just ignore her.  She just can’t make herself cut the cord yet.  She never wants to leave my presence when in it (which is the same for me with being in her presence, I will admit).  ::heavy sigh::  I’m just growing frustrated by all of this, because I know how I want this to end up, and I can see it….no………I can fucking feel it.  It’s in my grasp.  She just won’t quite let me close my hand on it just yet.

Today, Augie overheard her talking to me.  He took note that she sounds much happier around me than she does with him.  And he keeps telling her half-truths about the stuff I told him about not wanting to do that to him, or that I wouldn’t date someone ten years younger than me (he thinks I’m 28 for some reason……..despite having had the age discussion yesterday and today).  This also tells me he has no sense of "mental age."  Shera’s mental age is much more like 22 or 23.  Mine is more like 20 or 21.  Augie’s is more like 14 or 15.  So what’s the better match?  I’m just growing frustrated that she can’t just break it off with him for good.  And he keeps inviting her to!  She tells me that he keeps asking her stuff like, "so are we done?" or, "is this it?" but she just can’t fucking do it.  UGH!  It’s very obvious that she and I are growing incredibly attatched to each other.  We admit as much to each other.  For fuck’s sake (and this is going to sound absolutely insane, I’m aware of that), but we’ve both admitted that this thing between she and I has definite long-term potential……as in, (and I can’t believe I’m about to type this) marriage potential.  Years down the road, of course, but still….   (and yes, that sounds as insane as I thought it would).  But all these things are moot until she decides she’s had enough of Augie’s shit.  She admits the relationship is fractured beyond repair, and that, even if he changes, it won’t be permanent.  I understand that she loves him……but at some point, common sense has to take over…………………..doesn’t it?

So that’s where we stand at this moment, I guess.  In limbo still yet.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "You" and "You Fight Me" by Breaking Benjamin (yes, I’m still just listening to Phobia and pretty much nothing else…….the CD is a classic, but I get the feeling it’s always going to carry memories of all this shit with it….oh well).

She says she loves to be with me.  She loves my sense of humor, that I can make her laugh constantly.  She likes my intelligence.  She finds my nerdiness endearing.  She can decipher my jumbled words into English, and make perfect sense of them, even if I can’t.

I love to be with her.  I love her smile.  I love the way she stares at me intently.  I like that I can know exactly what she’s thinking just by looking at her face.  I adore her assertiveness.  I love her courage.  I admire her toughness.  I love that she makes fun of my sappy attempts at complimenting her.  I like that she takes the bait when I go compliment fishing (and that she knows when I’m doing exactly that).  I love the way she feels in my arms.

I love that we’re completely open with each other.  I like that we can express ourselves in silence as much as in words.  I love how much fun all our time together is.

But I hate the status quo.

Sayonara.