Reaching Eventually
Every single time I find myself admitting it to myself silently, it pains me more than the last. And I won’t admit it out loud……because there’d be no point. But anyone with a pair of eyes and a smattering of common sense could see it. The way I’ll do anything she asks me to do, no matter how ridiculous the task. The way I’ll wander around aimlessly just to be talking to her for a few more minutes. The way I can find myself wasting an entire day away figuring out ways to be in her presence. Ah, silly little infatuations. And, before anyone asks, NO, nothing can come of it. Nothing serious, anyway. She’s a 32 year old, married, mother of three. And, oh yeah, she’s a department manager at work. And I know that she just uses me to get her work done, because she knows I’ll do pretty much anything she asks me to. But I don’t much mind. Her job is constantly being threatened (despite the fact that she’s the best department manager in the store……..by a large margin), and I don’t want to see her fired, for various reasons. I know she plays on people’s feelings to get them to do what she needs done. I hear her tell people the same stuff she tells me. But I guess it just makes me feel good anyway. I mean, she really does feel bad if she thinks I might be mad at her. (Proof of this: this morning I walked into the main office to check my mailbox. When she saw me, she slumped down and looked up at me timidly and asked, "Do you still love me?" because she found out for me yesterday I was going to have to go back and mark out about 1000 DVD’s one by one…which’ll take me roughly three working days. She really thought I was mad about it, which I wasn’t and told her so). Anyway… I think other people can tell that I really like her, too. Like I said….anyone with eyes and common sense can see it. Everytime they see me wandering around doing something odd, they ask me, "What’s she got you doing now?" They just know I’ll do whatever she asks of me.
But am I even making a point here? Yeah, I think I am. Two of ’em, actually. First one is that, again, nothing can/will come of this. But second, and much more important in the grand scheme, is that I’ve eventually come back around to feeling these kinds of things for people again on my own terms. It’s been quite a long while since I’ve had what I would term "an infatuation" with someone like this. To know it’s nothing that was forced in any way is comforting to me. It tells me I’m starting to just plain give a shit again. A real shit, I mean. The kind that lets me be a genuine part of the human race again. And it’s about fucking time, eh?
Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox: "Hold Back the Day" by DevilDriver, "Diary of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin, and "Mine" by Taproot
Actually, now that I mention it…… There’s another chick at work that I find so amazing, I can’t even bring myself to talk to her. Barely even a simple, "Hi, Amy." (And, no, she was NOT the reason I named the character in my last story Ayme). She’s so hot that she’s incredibly intimidating. And she doesn’t even seem to know it. She’s horribly shy herself……..like, mortified of talking to people almost. I guess if I had more balls I’d try to ask her out or something. I don’t even know if it’s like that, though. Because she’s so quiet, she’s very mysterious and I just think she’d be an incredibly interesting person to get to know. And, let’s face it, even though we’ve worked in the same place for about sixteen months, we’ve said maybe ten words to each other. So I know nothing about her. And hardly anyone else does either. Oh, well. We shall see where the time takes me with this one.
Tomorrow is likely to bring a repeat viewing of Clerks II. Either that, or I’ll break down and finally see Superman Returns……..though I doubt that one will happen.
August the 5th, Augie has decided to have another party at his house. Considering he almost burned it down the last time we were all over there, this could prove to be quite entertaining. Although, truthfully, it’ll be entertaining either way. It’s just a hoot to sit around and drink with all those guys and their girlfriends (yes, I am the only single member of the crew……..imagine that).
Anywho…….it’s time to go watch Hex. So I’m outta here, real fast like.
Sayonara.